You have sympathy for her because she's a human being and someone you love. You don't have to like or agree with the things she's done, but you do have to try to see it from her perspective. If you want to be with her, you need to love her anyway and forgive. It only hurts you if you can't get there.
Little, I am trying to see it from her perspective. The part I am struggling with is that she made terrible choices. She chose to go outside the M. How could someone choose that? If your H is selfish and controlling, you go for counselling, no? you don't just walk out on the marriage. 5 months ago, I wrote her a very long letter outlining the errors of my ways. I debated posting the whole letter, but it is really long. If anyone thinks it is helpful, I can post the whole thing. In a nutshell, I admitted to a laundry list of offenses ranging from spending too much time at work, to putting others ahead of her, to being overly critical, to handicapping her ability to parent by refusing television, etc.... I ended the letter with the following:
It is now clear to me that I have not been giving you what you need for so long. I am so sorry that it took me so long to realize how terrible and cruel I have been. I cannot take back any of these sins. The only thing I can do is beg sincerely for your forgiveness, pledge to take actions that will prevent me from ever hurting you again, and vow to put your first in my life for ever and ever. I sincerely hope and pray that it is not too late.
I admitted my mistakes, I tried to forgive her, and I tried to make durable changes (before I found DB and DR). She still wanted to D. Two weeks later I caught her with OM for the second time. She is now choosing to divorce me. She is choosing OM over me. How do I turn off my own resentment towards her for her choices? How can I love her? How can I come home every day and smile at her? How vulnerable can I make myself?
rppfl, I now know my shortcomings as a husband. I was emotionally abusive without raising my voice or my hand. If I could do it again, I would have done it differently. I would have deferred to her in issues of child rearing, prioritized her over my work, suppressed my effusive criticism and replaced it with more praise, and chose her happiness over my self-righteousness. I get it. I was a terrible self-absorbed husband. I did not hear her concerns. I did not listen with compassion.
I am just not sure where to go from here. Grief of griefs. Tears.
RAI
P.S. Job or anyone else, do you still think I should move my thread to MLC?
