Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6

[Jefe]

Here's the part where I don't know your sich well enough. Does you W live at home still? Is the issue she's not spending enough time at home, or that she lives somewhere else?

Rppfl, my wife walked out the day after I discovered the sexting on Aug 5, and moved in with her mom. She left the kids here but for the entire month of Aug they had no idea she was even gone. She would show up before they woke up and always had some "activity" to go do that would bring her home "after they were in bed" as far as they knew. That ended the first of Sept when she decided to tell them she was living at Grandma's. From the middle of Sept to lust a few weeks ago she has been less involved with them. Lately, she has made an effort to call them every morning and has seen them the last couple of Sundays.

Who was the primary parent before her affair?

Let me answer this one first.

We agreed before D7 was born that she would be a stay home mom. So she was primary for many years. As soon as she finished breast feeding each child I was always the one who got up in the middle of the night to tend to anyone's needs. Still am. My girls are both daddy's girls and for the most part would probably run to me first if given a choice. As they grew older I'd say we both did a pretty good job of sharing the parental duties. My wife will be the first to admit she's not a snuggley type when it comes to the kids, neither is her mother. That's much more of a daddy thing.

My wife excels in keeping their day occupied, structured and fun. But school has started for both full time this year, now, and that era has ended. I am more lax and by the seat of my pants. She may not be lovey dovey but my wife has provided for this family through acts of service more than anyone could imagine. And we miss it terribly.

Jefe I read some of your first thread, looking for what your married life was like before BD and didn't find much. I read that you got sober 4.5 years ago. Congrats!

Are you continuing your step work? Did your W go to AlAnon? Have you read or heard that getting sober also causes R problems? Seems crazy but it's true. The dynamic changes and many times the spouse who lived through the alcoholic nightmare and didn't work through their feelings, has a difficult time. It's like they're married to a different person, one they don't know but still looks like the one who caused a lot of pain.

I got sober 4.5 years ago, I didn't have a program until she left. I just now got myself a fantastic sponsor and we are all in the steps. I'm working step 4 now. My wife found Al-Anon one week before I got sober. She is on sponsor #2 right now and we (my self, my sponsor, and my grand-sponsor) are starting to have some concerns that she may not be working thought the material correctly with my wife. This is the second time in a row my wife has started step work and it has blown a huge hole in the marriage. Oddly, w's sponsor started attending our church and Sunday school class right after separation. During Aug, my wife called her sponsor daily and met with her twice a week. Sept this drastically dropped off. Today, we don't know if they speak at all. Her sponsor in the last several weeks seems to be migrating toward standing with me, which is odd. I think the sponsors are planning to talk this Sunday.
My wife IS still attending Al-Anon meetings as often as her new work schedule will allow.

Alcoholic nightmare is correct. I'm so thankful for my sobriety. I am thankful my wife didn't kill me or walk away then. She has been through a lot with me and she has been a rock for our marriage.

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This morning after she talked to the girls, she seemed to want to linger on the phone a little. She didn't have anything to say, but I just felt like she didn't want me to hang up. Or my wishful thinking could be clouding my head again.