Hi Pink 17. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though you are doing some helpful things to get through this - and good that your boys are so supportive too - bless them. I was like you in the first period of time - my H had admitted his A - and we talked a lot about our marriage and why this happened.
I thought he might decide to end the A, but he hasn't. He too is involved with a former colleague, and flies off around the world to see her - even though their R doesn't sound at all happy...which hurts! After a few months, I decided to withdraw and he & I haven't spoken for some time now. Not sure whether this is for the best, but we'll see...
Some bizarre things have happened recently, and he has shown some lack of regard and consideration. Very out of character for him - and I too wonder if this is a MLC for him.
If the A is continuing, it is important to set some clear boundaries for yourself. Mine were - I won't live with you, or be involved in a R with you, whilst you are involved with someone else. I haven't regretted holding true to that one. I know now that I could have 'tempted' H back into a sexual relationship, and he would have carried on seeing OW too, which would have been awful.
What do you think led to your H being vulnerable to an A in your M? Have you read DB and DR? I would start with DR if I were you. Also, recognise that there is probably not much you can do about things for now in respect of him, the A or your M - other than not make them worse. What makes them worse? Lots of talking, reasoning, I love you's, pleading, talking of all our good times etc. I read somewhere - at this time, your H is operating purely on emotion - reason will never trump that. He may ultimately turn back to your M, but things are on a course that has to 'run the course' now.
Best to do things for you and your boys right now. What are your GAL activities? You'll need some for sanity purposes...and for showing your H that you can move forward alone. Just one point from your posts...are you doing his laundry for him still? If so....I would stop that right now. Having an A has consequences, one of which is you'll have to do your own laundry!
Time will tell what will happen. The stats on A's leading to marriage are grim, and most affairs implode after a period of time. But you don't want to sit and hope for that. You want to move (slowly and painfully - but with some joy in there too, I've found) towards the person you want to be - no matter what ultimately happens with your H.
You sound like a lovely woman and your H sounds like a decent man (like mine was - is?) This suggests possible MLC to me. I found some of the info from Hearts Blessing to be helpful to me.
Good luck to you anyway....I'll keep in touch with your sitch from over the pond!
Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
