KGirl con't

[25yearsmlc]

25, thank you again for your words of wisdom I do think that is where I'm stuck right now. It was the first thing I wrote on my list of things to talk about in IC, in terms of where I'm stuck and unable to let go and move on - the fact that I don't understand the WHY of all this. I know there will never likely be an answer. I don't think H even knows why---



. IC said "-- Would knowing (why) really give you the closure you want? Or would you just wonder why you couldn't fix that new thing?" Point taken.

Wow, ^^^ Awesome insightful question from your IC. Damn...that's a great point and I'm SO glad you heard it and you seem to "Get it". Hence my earlier assertion that there is no "good" answer, meaning an answer that would help us sleep or give us peace. Maybe we should say "it's a viral thing"....? ("the new ebola of the heart')


Someone posted this on facebook not too long ago, it sums it up well:
[b]"Giving up the need to know why something has happened to you will definitely count among the most rigorous personal challenges of your life."


Oh man, you are on a roll! That's another GREAT phrase. Very useful and I'm going to adopt it. I have accepted 2 things in my life that were big challenges and this^^ was certainly one of them.

The other was to accept that I can have ambivalent feelings for someone, like my dad (he had great strengths AND great weaknesses). When sober, he was a brilliant teacher and concerned dad. When Not sober, he was an abusive lunatic...

He's no longer with us, but to this day I see my brothers struggle to figure out who or what our dad was and for THEM it's like an identity issue. They are so rolled up in who he was and who they are as men/dads and husbands.

I digress, but I think my point is that sometimes we have to accept a lack of clarity about other people, and hope to heck we have clarity about who WE are.

That goes back to a DB lesson, focus on who/what we CAN control and let go of the rest.


I think at this point in time, I would be able to try and forgive him.


^^ Fair enough. But forgiveness is not automatically understood. In my childhood I never saw what forgiveness looked like so I literally had to learn HOW to forgive. You might want to reflect on how it was modeled in your childhood, if it was.

It's a learned skill, so figure out WHERE/From Whom you'd learn this and learn it EVEN IF you do NOT get back with your h or decide not to recon.

You'll still need to let go of it, and that is PART of (not all, but part of) forgiving. And that piece of it you must do, for you... with or without your h.

You know why, right? ( I dont' want to belabor the point if you already know it).


If we got to the point of actually being D'ed and THEN he wanted to be in a relationship, I don't know about that. That's an awful lot to go through.

Well, fwiw, the 2 family members I have who did just that^^ (divorced, moved on, improved as individuals, and THEN reconciled and remarried) were "all done" for a few years. My aunt and uncle were divorced for 5 years and my cousin, for 3.

When they got the toxic pieces out, and worked on their "best selves" and each really did a LOT of individual work, they dated and had other relationships.

But their child(ten) kept them in touch and eventually the good things that they were first attracted to, kept popping up - and the toxic parts were mostly gone. And they all (all 4 of them) were better communicators. And yes, it was better the second time around.

Just so you know, it can happen. But as far as I know, none of them expected to reconcile. They all (seemed to at least) moved on and worked on themselves...nothing "Tactical" about it. it was authentic change.


If it got that far I think I'd say no, but hard to know until you're in the actual situation.

It's VERY hard to know. Plus when you say "if it got that far" as if there is a point of no return (for ME that would be if the spouse remarried, but again, who knows?)

AND don't forget that real growth can occur without the other person. And that might make them worth meeting anew.

For now, your options are limited but the good news there is that you DO have some clarity. Meaning, you do NOT have to decide "IF" you can forgive or how it would go, all you have to do right now is take care of YOU.

Here's the "secret"...we are in charge of our own happiness and we always were.

But, How to get there?


"Secret Formula" is 180s + GAL = Detachment. OR to say it another way...

180's (= our own flaws being processed and resolved)+ GAL (reaching out of our comfort zone to discover who we are, and reaching out to others as well) = Healthy Detahcment

and Detachment is Key to moving on to the life you were meant to live.

How is your GAL? And the 180s?

I'm going to close with a list of some GAL I did so you have some more ideas. I DO think you must meet NEW people so you can better stop the obsessing AND I also believe strongly that if your GAL activities are not stimulating enough that your mind is taken OFF your h for at least awhile, you need another GAL thing.

Last but Not least, you MUST GAL to Detach.... There are other reasons to GAL but you simply cannot Detach, without GAL.

You need one to do the other...


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, (even in the winter).
I had 3 kids, including a baby (so it's VERY hard for me to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.

IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team two summers (my older D was on it one year).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, ( our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy And yes, I still do it. I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. (And It went very well! Turns out a lot of folks related).

I learned to cross country ski, & got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to become a target shooter. I became an expert marksman.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish. I got a caribou on a trip and my family ate it for most of the year.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
OMG I loved riding it.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. (Bucket list item!!)

Went skydiving (Also a bucket list item). Loved it so much I did it again for my 50th birthday. And I plan on doing it again, soon!

I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent physical shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. I then found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. Made a new friend.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark of their long LONG cold winters. But I"m here to say it CAN be done).

Saw a therapist and for some months, I went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty & Ignoring them..
(Wish I had joined sooner! There, I met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French --Fun class and good for the brain.
Took a class in Italian cooking--still delicious

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Oh, and other than pilot training/sky diving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

The more you involve yourself in other's lives and projects, the less painful your situation becomes. And detachment begins.

Keep on keeping on. I KNOW that around the corner are GOOD things for you.