1. I have tried to be honest with my kids as much as is appropriate. For me that means acknowledging my sadness and validating theirs. Assuring them constantly that H loves them too (I know there were times they doubted me, but I think that time has passed.) telling them I don't know what's going to happen but that I know it's all important and that I'm doing the best I can.
2. You can't tell your W how they feel. But you can try to give them the tools to be honest. In my house, two things made the difference to my H. The first was, S8 admitted he wanted to talk to a C, and he brought the resources he got to my H as well as me. That seems to have gotten my H thinking. The other was, D11 crossed some of H's boundaries (for once) that perked him up into thinking like a parent again.
You MUST let go of the idea that the kids will guilt your W into coming back. They won't. Maybe they can penetrate the fog enough that she'll start meeting their needs better. That would be a very good thing. And you have to do whatever you can to help them feel secure and loved in their current environment, without blaming anyone for the state of their environment. That's loving.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
