Wonka, You would be surprised at the amount of compassion I have forced myself to show this man. The problem is he is mean and says hurtful things to my D's. He never cared to see them or acknowledge that they existed until after W left. I now am watching my D's mother treat them EXACTLY like he treated my W all her life. He has taught his D how to act unless they do what she wants them to do. This is his MO. Unless your kids do what YOU decide they should do you ignore them and insult them to their faces. I can't tell you how he would say the most hurtful things to my W, in front of me and her own kids, things that weren't even true but that he knew would hurt. It's his way of controlling everyone around him. The last time my D14 was with my W and him she was in tears the next day telling me how she hates the way her mother acts when he is around. She becomes just like him, insulting, superior, down right mean.
I think you get the wrong idea. HE doesn't even want to see my D's. It's my W that wants the girls to somehow see him differently. The problem is he has no desire to have a relationship with them. What he wants is to control W. D14 has gone through enough this last year, she should decide where she wants to go and who she wants to see. If I thought that her being there for TG would make this dying man happy I would tell my D14 to gut it out. It won't and all that will happen is more of the same. I know that sounds really cruel of me but it really isn't. If I thought that FIL wanted to try and change the way things are between his grandkids and himself that would be different. He doesn't and he won't and all it will do is add another rotten memory of D14's GF to all the others she has now.
I do have compassion for my W. I know that she will be so devastated when he does die. She wants so badly to somehow find the love and respect from him that she always craved but never got. Of course no one can make up for 40 years of being awful in the time they have left. W has held out hope since I've known her that she could find a way to "earn" his love and respect. When he is gone, that chance is now gone forever. That will be so hurtful for her. I pray that she and him find someway to relate before he is gone...for both their sakes.
