Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[bravo61]

i do understand why she walked away. intellectually i see it. and the thing is i'm not mad at her for it. it hurts like hell, but i can see her reasoning. i don't understand, however, her belief that people can't and don't change and her willingness to throw away the hope for what our M could be. especially in light that i started making changes before the BD. why not give it a little time to see if its real?

first and foremost, i am a Christian man, a loving father, who is generous and kind and loyal. i believe in surrounding myself with other Christians who will encourage, support, and keep me accountable in my walk.

i do love my W, and i want to have a R with her as i believe that we can work things out. i do want to be wanted though. the aspects of her that have changed for the negative have allowed me to detach.

so far as spew, when the love of your life tells you that she wishes she had kids with someone else, that she was supposed to have a good life, and tells you that she doesn't remember a single good time, that feels like spew to me. maybe i'm wrong though.

she is reflecting and allowing poor influences in her life right now. she only has a couple of days off a week and gets a babysitter to watch the kids so she can go out drinking with her friends. it hurts the kids. her Christian values used to be more a part of her life and her closeness with people of these morals is saddening. she doesn't go to church anymore or say prayers with kids at bedtime. she drinks everyday and its like she's trying to find her 20's. i'm not downing people who choose this lifestyle, but i always respected and cherished her for her strong faith and value system. i pray for my W every day and that He will take away the pain i have caused her. i sincerely want the best for her right now and its ME. i know she can't/won't see that right now, so i'll continue to show her unconditional love while still working to improve myself.

i'm sure all this is confusing and seemingly contradictory but its my story and i'm sticking to it .