Wife has left and filed for divorce

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I should be seeing my kids this weekend. However, my lawyer is still waiting to hear back from my wife's lawyer about the arrangements. It's frustrating and strange that even though I have just as much legal right to our kids as my wife does right now (the restraining order is only mutual between my wife and I), that I still can't see them without her basically allowing me to.

I went to my second meeting at the abuse intervention program on Wednesday night and was completely floored. I was going through the Power and Control Wheel and truly saw how much I had emotionally, mentally, verbally, and even physically abused my wife (even though I never intentionally hit her). I fit into almost every category on the sheet. I knew I had a bad temper and had made mistakes in the past, but this was a big eye-opener for me.

Then, we watched part of a movie called Unforgiveable, starring John Ritter, about a very abusive man who physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, mentally abuses his wife, abuses his children, and even abuses his girlfriend to the point where she is sent to the hospital. He's forced to go to an abuse program, which changes his life, and he's able to reconcile with his wife and family in the end. It's a true story and gives me hope.

I never really thought I was a bad man. I knew I had messed up in the past with my temper, screaming, throwing things, controlling attitude, not liking my wife being around certain members of her family, etc., but I wasn't those ways all the time. Most of the time I was loving and playful with my wife, and we had a lot of fun along with our kids. But I see now that there was a cumulative effect of my abuse. I hate even calling it "abuse", but I want to be honest and real: I was an abuser. I deeply hurt my wife through all of these abusive behaviors, from my emotional affairs (especially with her friend), and from being physical one time with another woman (though no sex). On my way to my friend's house, I bawled my eyes out at this realization. I never wanted to be like this and I refuse to ever be like that again, but the hurt I gave my wife--despite all the wonderful times--made me feel horrible.

I went to a men's group the next morning and realized that even though I was an abuser in the past, that's not who I am now if I've truly repented and have sought forgiveness. That gives me hope, but there are still consequences to my actions and those are the painful parts.

I'm trying to intentionally leave out my wife's part in all of this. She definitely wasn't innocent and was sometimes abusive and often very emotionally neglectful and disrespectful herself, but I realize that none of that matters. I was the man. I was the husband. I should've risen above her attitude, been her rock, and loved her unconditionally.

25yearsmlc asked what my 180s and GAL methods are. Right now I'm simply doing the opposite of what I've done in the past. My wife and her family always thought I was controlling, so in the past three weeks while we've had no contact I have made it a point to respect my wife's need for space. The fact that there was an Order of Protection and now a mutual restraining order actually helps me in this regard and could very well be a positive element in rebuilding this marriage.

In any of my interactions with her family members, I have been kind and loving instead of the way I used to be (taking things personally, responding negatively to their disrespect, etc.). I have also focused on growing in my walk with God. My wife, who has always been a rather conservative Christian, always wanted me to be the spiritual leader of the house, and even though I am choosing God firstly for me, I still know that that is what my wife always needed from me, too. In addition to these, I've kept myself off my computer due to temptations, been working on my lust issues, and have started keeping the house clean and doing chores I haven't done for years. These may be simple 180s for now, but they are definitely the opposite of how I've acted in the past.

For GAL, I've been hanging with friends, getting back on focusing on my work, and hopefully starting to go to the gym. I'm also going to be working on continuing the renovations in our home that my wife and I started before she left.

I apologize for the wall of text, but there's so much to share about what's going on in my life and the transformation taking place in it.

I would appreciate any and all advice, comments, and such.

Have any of you seen a marriage recover or be rebuilt from such a rocky and painful history? My counselor says he's seen worse be healed--and I believe him--but sometimes it's so easy to lose hope when I think about how badly I've treated my wife.

I still believe she loves me and misses me, but needs this time to heal and to "regroup" her life. I have a gut feeling that things will work out in the end, even if we divorce, and part of this feeling stems from my confidence that I am a new, much better man.

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My weekend with the boys went great. I picked them up from my MIL last Friday and had a very positive conversation. We hugged, laughed, joked, and she told me two interesting things about my W:

1) When I had last spoken with my MIL about two weeks ago, I told her one of my regrets was not telling my W how beautiful she looked at a wedding we went to about five weeks ago. Apparently, my MIL told my W that and my wife responded in a sad way and said, "Why didn't he tell me that back then?"

2) My older son had to have a tooth extracted last week. My MIL said my W was very concerned about making sure I knew everything that was going on, that I was kept in the loop, etc.

I walked away from that conversation feeling positive and thinking that it was interesting for my W to respond sadly to my regret and that she was proactively trying to keep me in the loop about our son. I felt that this didn't seem like a woman who was full of contempt for me.

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But moving on. The boys and my family had a great weekend. Friday night was spent having a waffle dinner with my parents, brother, and his girlfriend. On Saturday we went to church and played with my niece who came from out of town to see the boys. That night we went to a live rendition of Goodnight Moon (it was a kid's program and all the kids wore their pajamas) and the boys had a blast! My older son kept telling me it was the best day ever, and my younger son also had such a fun time.

I dropped them off at the park the next day with my MIL. We had another really positive conversation (or at least I thought it was). These were the interesting things she told me:

1) My W has been surprised that I haven't fought her during the last few weeks. there was an Order of Protection that was dropped, a divorce that was filed, and a mutual restraining order that was filed. Through all of this I have been patient and have given my W the time and space she has requested (I had to, legally speaking, of course, but it's still been a good thing). When we talked about divorce in the past, I had threatened in my anger to fight her with all my strength in court if I had to. I guess that was what she expected me to do recently, though right now all I want is reconciliation. I also think my W was surprised because I was VERY controlling during our marriage. I've realized now how awful that was and so am doing the complete opposite, which is just patiently waiting on my W and seeing how things progress with no attempt at control from my end.

2) My W and her family are impressed with my pleasantness and how nice I've been being. I was wondering how my W would be able to see the changes happening in my life because of the mutual restraining order and the fact we haven't spoken to each other since 10/15, but she's been definitely noticing, and so has her family.

3) My W wants me to have more time with the kids. Her lawyer originally said the plan was for me to see them every other weekend, but now my W wants me to be able to see them at least once during my off week as well. Still not good enough for me, but it's more than what she was originally wanting.

4) My MIL, with a large smile on her face, talked about how nice it'd be if my W and I could come together to talk. But we both agreed now was not the time for that because both my W and I need to continue our healing and improvement.

5) My W told her mother how she thought my OCD was the cause of our major issues (abuse, my bad temper, etc.) and how, as my W, she should stand by me as her husband. Her mother didn't think it was just my OCD that was the root of my bad behavior, and I completely agreed. But it was nice to see that my W was toying around with her sense of loyalty to me.

I mentioned to my MIL that I'm getting treatment for my OCD (it really got out of hand during my marriage) and, in response to her talking about how impressed they've been with my pleasantness, mentioned how I should've been this way years ago.

I left the conversation feeling very positive, that even though the divorce is still filed and things are moving in that direction, my W is still talking about me, noticing my improvements and changes, and that my MIL even thinks we should talk sometime. Sunday was the first day I actually felt tangible hope!

For now, I'm continuing to GAL (hitting the gym tonight), working on detachment, my walk with God, and just being a nicer, more patient guy. I'm also continuing with my weekly abuse intervention program, which has been amazing and has forced me to fully confront my terrible behavior in the past (what a very painful process it's been) and am also continuing to go to a men's group and meet with other men who hold me accountable and such.

Anything else I should be doing? Right now I feel like my marriage, which had an F- grade, is now around a D. I do feel like if my W has said these things to her MIL after only a month of NC, that there's a good chance that two or three more months will result in more positive news. And even if the divorce does go through, I also feel that as my W (or XW at that time) continues to see my genuine changes, that she will be willing to build a new marriage.

What do you all think?

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It's been nine days since my last post. Last week, we got hit with my wife's proposed child support plan. Her lawyer asked mine if I would accept it. I won't, as it's one-sided.

We also got hit with the discovery interrogatories and requests for documents. Many pages of questions to answer (mainly financial) but unfortunately questions regarding sexual relations and talking to other women outside of my marriage. I fooled around with one woman one time (not intercourse) and have had a couple of emotional affairs and have flirted with some women in the past four years. I will answer honestly, of course, but wish my W wouldn't have to relive that pain.

My plan right now is to simply respond to my wife's movements in order to show that I'm not controlling and power-hungry the way I used to be.

On Sunday, my W let me have the boys for eight hours so I could take them to my niece's birthday party. We all had a blast and I had good conversations with my MIL. However, a few weird things happened during this weekend:

My MIL texted me that my W had gotten a present for my niece and it was left in my garage. I wondered who had been in my garage (my wife and I have a mutual RO) and if they had been in my home. Also, along with the present was a box of some meaningful items (a gift my W gave me while dating, a pic of me and my son on my first Father's Day, three marriage books). On Sunday, when I dropped the boys off with my MIL, she gave me a bag full of papers from throughout the M (financial statements, bills, even an old anniversary card where she said she would always love me). I was confused about this then, but now I assume it was for the interrogatories and document requests.

This past Tuesday I texted my MIL to see if I could have the boys for three hours for my dad's birthday. She and my W agreed, so I picked them up at 6 from a local store, had a good conversation with my MIL, and had a great evening with them. When I got the boys ready to go, my younger S started crying and said he wanted to stay with me. When I got to the drop-off-location and tried putting him in my MIL's van, he clung to me, cried, etc. My MIL said my W had already given her permission to let me keep the boys overnight if they wanted, so my older S went to his mother's while my younger S came home with me.

Had a great night with him, but in the morning he cried again and wanted to stay with me. I told him I'd go to work and ask my boss if I could have the day off. My plan was to text my MIL and make sure this was okay before making plans with my S. However, when I got to work I had missed phone calls from my parents (they live next to me and my S was with my dad). My FIL was at my parents' house wanting to take my S, my S was crying, and my dad wasn't sure what to do.

I went home, consoled my S, had a good conversation with my FIL. However, while talking with him my MIL kept calling him and, very rudely, told him to simply take my S and come home. Then she got on the phone with me, was rude to me, said that the night before was a gift and that I need to earn my W's trust and that this wasn't doing it. She threatened to call the cops. THEN my W called my FIL, yelled at him about bringing my S home, not letting him be at my parents', and threatened to call the cops too.

My FIL was basically on my side and realized my S just wanted to spend more time with me. I wasn't sure why my W and MIL were so upset since I wasn't keeping my S from them at all. I had simply asked what the problem was with having him for the day if he wanted to spend it with me and reminded my MIL that my W and I right now have the same legal rights to our children.

I guess my W and MIL were afraid I was trying to control the situation and keep my S from them, but I wasn't. This all happened around the 9 o'clock hour. The night before, when I made plans with my MIL for the pick-up the next morning, I had thought we agreed on 10:30 AM. However, she had told her husband anytime between 7 - 10:30, which is ridiculous... so I guess that's where their anger came from.

I left the whole situation feeling very down because I had never heard my W be that angry before. It made me feel like all the small positive things that have happened in the past few weeks have meant nothing as it still seemed like she is totally against reconciliation.

Any thoughts? Are my posts too long?

[Hoju]

Why did you not call MIL or W first about keeping S for the day before asking for the day off?

Aside from that in the future just make sure everyone is clear on pick up and drop off times.

If you want understanding, try to see it from your W's point of view (whether you intended it or not). She gave you an inch by letting you keep S over night and you took it upon yourself to try and take an extra day out of it. I can't imagine how hard it must be to give up your son while he is crying begging to stay but right now you need to focus on baby steps and building trust with your W for your sons sake regardless if you are able to R or not.

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Good question, Hoju. I was going to just check with my boss to see if I could even have the day off. Then, if he let me, I was going to ask my MIL if that would be fine with her. I thought it best to ask my boss first in case he had said no, because then there would've been no point in asking my MIL.

Thank you for helping me see things from her perspective! I do need to do that more.

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If you want understanding, try to see it from your W's point of view (whether you intended it or not). She gave you an inch by letting you keep S over night and you took it upon yourself to try and take an extra day out of it. I can't imagine how hard it must be to give up your son while he is crying begging to stay but right now you need to focus on baby steps and building trust with your W for your sons sake regardless if you are able to R or not.

You're completely right about this. I thought my W and MIL handled the situation poorly by threatening to call the cops when right now there is no legal order giving either one of us any more custody than the other, but you are so right. My W must've been afraid at what she perceived as a power grab by me when, in reality, I was simply trying to do the right thing. Thanks for opening my eyes.

I should see my MIL tomorrow evening to pick up the boys from her. What do you all think about me briefly apologizing for any role I played in the confusion yesterday (we obviously miscommunicated about the time for my S to be picked up) and then briefly explain that what happened was not my intention at all?

[Hoju]

I agree that your W and MIL handled the situation poorly, however it really does show you the hurt they both feel, there first reaction was to call the police over a small misunderstanding.

I hope one of the vets can weigh in with regards to talking to MIL. Personally if you take responsibility and just apologize for the confusion that would be fine. It might be a very good 180 for you too owning up and taking responsibility for your faults regardless of if they were intentional or not. Just don't put any of the blame on MIL or W for unnecessarily escalating the situation.

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Good idea. I think I'll apologize with something like, "Hey, I'm sorry for the miscommunciation and confusion on Wed. morning. I really wasn't trying to keep S longer without making sure it was okay with you first. I apologize that it came across that way." I don't want to grovel as I really don't think I did anything wrong (didn't even really have a chance to ask my MIL about having my S for the day before she and my W got mad and threatened with cops), but at the same time I need to show them that I'm not prideful and controlling the way I used to be.

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I had a nice conversation with my MIL on Friday when I picked up the boys at the park. I briefly apologized for any part I had in Wednesday morning's chaos. She said that my W still loves me (I've heard this several times from her in the last five weeks). She also said that some women leave their husbands, close the door behind them, and never look back, but that my wife hasn't done that. So that seemed positive and gave me hope over the weekend.

I shared with my MIL a story of a few months ago when my W and I were arguing. I told my W the reason I was mad was because she was valuable to me, and her eyes just lit up. I told my MIL I regret not telling my W how valuable she was throughout the marriage, and my MIL smiled saying how all women need to be nurtured like a flower so that they can love back. She then suggested I keep a journal of all these nice thoughts about my W so that she can read it one day.

My MIL also said, however, that I can't wait too long (I'm not exactly sure what she was referring to here) because some women fall out of love if enough time passes. This made me nervous and so this weekend I was confused about how to take this comment in relation to the positive things my MIL said. I'm not sure how not to wait too long when there's a mutual restraining order (my wife dropped the Order of Protection) banning direct or indirect contact indefinitely.

Some other good news was that after my lawyer gently chastised my W's lawyer about my W and her MIL threatening to call the cops last Wednesday morning, my W's lawyer acted much more professionally on Friday. My time with my boys was extended until 7 PM on Sunday and the overall tone was pleasant and accommodating, so I do see my wife giving more and more concessions to me on a weekly basis, even though she's still pushing forward with the D.

Any thoughts? Sandi? 25? In the meantime, I'm enjoying hanging out with my boys, going to the gym, continuing to hang out with friends and trying to focus more on work.