Nothing to report except after reading a few other threads (mighty's in particular) I'm finding gratitude in the "simplicity" of my situation. That's not to say it's easy but it is simple and that's a humbling reminder that, as hard as all this is, it could be much harder and often is for others.
On Tuesday night I took d to karate and she got in trouble and lost her belt for a week. It's a long story but d has impulse control issues and I feel like teachers are often trying to punish her out of those issues but it doesn't work that way. It's frustrating that she gets in trouble for things she literally cannot control. Add to that that she has a vocabulary and articulation of a 10th grader and people forget she's only 7!!!!
I talked to h about it that night and he listened and supported. At first I was frustrated by him "handling" me but I stopped, breathed and reminded myself that I have to handle myself so he doesn't have to. I need to state what I need (his help with some of her teachers, etc), vent for a minute and move on.
I listened carefully and he was venting a little bit too. I validated and I could tell that helped him validate for me.
We sometimes get into these stubborn standoffs where we don't support or "give" to the other until the other gives first. It's sick but I think it's like dipping your toe in the water, is it safe to give or will I be punished or unappreciated? So, I dropped that game and gave first anyway. It worked.
He gave back.
I got off the phone feeling validated, that he understood my frustration, that we were in it together and we were both going to do something to help the dilemma.
This is 180 degrees different than pre BD.
Resolution? We've NEVER had that before. It feels amazing, even if it's just over something small.
I was also careful to be clear in my venting. I kept it brief, first of all. Long-winded vents often make H feel like I'm actually venting about him. I kept it short. I said something like "and I feel like I'm handling the impacts of D's behavior all alone" and I STOPPED. I knew H would interpret that as me saying, "you jerk face, I'm all alone in this and it's your fault" so I breathed and said, "I'm not trying to imply that you're not a great cop aren't or uninvolved. I think we work very well as coparents and your involvement has been wonderful so please hear my appreciation of that."
He thanked me for clarifying.
That felt good to have the power to keep the conversation clean and healthy with no opportunity for bad feelings to mar it. It felt even better to feel safe enough to compliment him and encourage him. It doesn't make me weaker to appreciate his new involvement with D. What a wonderful thing.
This is new stuff for me but I'm liking the direction it's taking me. We still only talk in relation to D. Nothing personal.
So, I'm working 2 am to 11 am on Black Friday. Talk about crazy. Strangely, I'm excited about it. I have a lot of fun at work. It's simple, no drama and uncomplicated. Just what I need to keep my mind off overthinking.
