Let's try this again

[sandi2]

I have gotten behind a little in your stitch, so this is simply a guess. You and your H handle things differently (as most couples do) and in his eyes you probably seem very efficient at every thing, even having repairs fixed around the house....whereas he may be lacking. He has good intentions, but....

I think he probably does feel inadequate compared to you. Whether you say or do things to affect those feelings....or if he brings it on himself, IDK. Speaking as a former WAS, the main ingredient in an A is the ego food that is served. He was with a much younger girl, so it stands to reason his experience in almost every thing would seem pretty good to her. She probably smeared on the admiration goo-goo talk and made him feel like some kind of god. (Remember, I'm speaking from my own experiences here).

He got his eyes open and realized he wanted his family back. Yes, he tried really hard for a while. I think for a lot of men their target is winning the prize (so to speak). I think it must be part of their nature. They are natural hunters who pursue their prey, whether animal or women. Once they catch whatever they are chasing, they relax. The hunt is over and they won the prize.

Just think about every couple you know. After the honeymoon stage, things begin to settle down and the man focuses on his duties of providing for his family. That is the number one thing for him. That is how he shows his love. To men, that is being a good husband! If he feels he is outdone by his W, I suppose that could affect his ego, IDK. Now days, it certainly takes both spouses working in most families.

Yes, I'm sure it is extremely difficult for you. But sweetheart, I wonder if you are unconsciously expecting him to continue to "prove" himself to be worthy? I mean, he messed up really, really bad! He caused major hurt. You know in your heart that you still have some resentment there.

In reading many threads of LBS, we see them working on their changes. I often tell them not to expect to see big changes in their WAS, nor all at once. The WAS is not focused on "changing". The reason the LBS is, was probably b/c they were trying to get the WAS back. The WAS isn't really interested in changing, to be blunt. However, if and when they go back into the M, they usually realize that change is necessary if they have intend having a good MR. And that is another reason why it is so important that the WAS reconciles "all the way".

Those issues have to get worked out, or else you will find yourself right back where you started. That's why I believe it is important to have a professional to help the couple with those issues.

My H simply refused to go with me to a counselor. In fact, I could see very little effort he put forth in the M. He told me up front he expected to see 100% effort in me. I didn't have the emotional energy or desire to give 1 %. But my stitch was a little different from yours. My point, however, is that I felt he was sitting back and watching (expecting) me to prove myself, and that I owed it to him. That gets heavy carrying around all the time.

I don't think you are sitting back. That's just not you. But I do wonder if he is perceiving some expectations from you. I know it is very discouraging when you have seen what he can do, and then stops. He may be feeling some resentment and thinks he always be on a "trial basis", since he scr@wed up. He may be asking himself why keep busting his butt if he can't measure up, but like I said, this is all speculation from a WAS viewpoint.

As always, I think you are pretty amazing and doing a good job. I think you guys will make it, but the next couple of years will be tough. Btw, the longer he goes sleeping on the couch, the worse it will get. So, swallow some pride and go ask him to please come back to bed with you. Don't do like I did. These men let "rejection" (and not just in sex) do terrible things to them. Let him know you want him, appreciate, and admire him. It does a lot to soothe their ego and gives them a lot of encouragement/energy.

((hugs))