One of the reasons she doesn't respect me is because I run to her and try to fix her every time she has one of these meltdowns. She knows I'll drop everything to try to talk her through this because I don't want her to feel "isolated" from me. Yet she says she draws no comfort off my presence. The more I allow her to berate me, the less respect she feels. Am I getting warm?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I feel for you! I am having a really hard time with detaching too. It is so hard to NOT want to be there and help and "fix" things. My H and I are not living together so that helps my situation and I know you don't have that, but all of the vets are giving you some GREAT advice (which I am taking particular note of as well). Hang in there and have a great time in Austin. Focus on YOU!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Ahhh...glad you got a new thread as I wanted to respond to your recent post.
Originally Posted By: Rzrback
Here's the last posting from my old thread
Hold on...epiphany alert
One of the reasons she doesn't respect me is because I run to her and try to fix her every time she has one of these meltdowns. She knows I'll drop everything to try to talk her through this because I don't want her to feel "isolated" from me. Yet she says she draws no comfort off my presence. The more I allow her to berate me, the less respect she feels. Am I getting warm?
Absolut-freaking-yes!!!! Why would you take such abuse from someone else...much less your own wife??!
Thanks Dawn70. Heading out in the morning. I'm looking forward to it; if nothing else to get a chance to breathe. My W tried to guilt me out of the trip during her meltdown, but once she recovered she told me I deserved the trip.
I'm going to try and make it a NC trip with my W. I'll text her when I get there just so she knows I'm not a flaming ball of wreckage on I-35, but hopefully that'll be the last contact until I get back Sunday evening.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
One of the reasons she doesn't respect me is because I run to her and try to fix her every time she has one of these meltdowns. She knows I'll drop everything to try to talk her through this because I don't want her to feel "isolated" from me. Yet she says she draws no comfort off my presence. The more I allow her to berate me, the less respect she feels. Am I getting warm?
yes. I realize it feels opposite to common sense...but the more you try to "fix" the worse you make it. Become more confident in yourself that thi gs will work out. Also by not fixing things you show W you believe she can do it. In general fixing is another way of controlling. My 2 cents ...let go. Let things break if they have to. Btw expect her to try and hook you into behavi g like that when you stop doing it initially. Resist the urge to fsll in with that.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I set up an unhealthy pattern early in our M. I went from home to college to marriage without breathing. I never gave myself time to get established as an independent adult and as a man.
I took the "happy wife, happy life" thing too far and hooked my happiness to her. Since she can't make me happy (nobody can) I became resentful, lazy and directionless. I made everything about keeping her happy. When she would have meltdowns about anything, I would attend to her and try to make her feel better. Sometimes it worked, but now she thinks she's entitled to that.
No wonder she doesn't respect me.
I'm on a roll today. The insights are coming hot and heavy. Can't wait to see what I figure out cruising the plains of Texas
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/20/1403:10 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
One of the reasons she doesn't respect me is because I run to her and try to fix her every time she has one of these meltdowns. She knows I'll drop everything to try to talk her through this because I don't want her to feel "isolated" from me. Yet she says she draws no comfort off my presence. The more I allow her to berate me, the less respect she feels. Am I getting warm?
I set up an unhealthy pattern early in our M. I went from home to college to marriage without breathing. I never gave myself time to get established as an independent adult and as a man.
I took the "happy wife, happy life" thing too far and hooked my happiness to her. Since she can't make me happy (nobody can) I became resentful, lazy and directionless. I made everything about keeping her happy. When she would have meltdowns about anything, I would attend to her and try to make her feel better. Sometimes it worked, but now she thinks she's entitled to that.
You will get a lotout of reading "Co-Dependent No More," methinks.
