Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc You seem to think you "SHOULD" tell her the negative things you feel as if they have value to her. They do Not. (...) Giving her negative feedback will never make her feel loved. THAT is the spouses job, (not the "Oh but I'm helping her not be so flawed, you know, b/c I just want her to be her best", which is a lie that critical spouses tell themselves to justify their harping and negative focus.) You hit very close to home here. It's been a big part of our R since the beginning. She was very damaged when I met her (suicide attempts among other things) and she rebuilt through our R, became a confident woman, a mom of two with a good career. I'm 5 years older and more mature, so that often gave me an advantage in assessing situations and solutions. That's how I became the "adult" in the couple, not necessarily because I liked it. But by the time she was 33, she was her own adult and there was no need for me to take charge of the final say as much as I did. As much as I wanted her success, it was always with my support. She needed to succeed by herself -- she'll probably need that to ever g out with me again confidently.
^^ Oh Boy! That was the most patronizing post I've ever seen anyone post about their spouse. Really? Is that how you viewed your W? It came across as in you being the superior one and W just can't cut it without your "guidance." That is not partnership in the equal give-take sense. Being 5 years older doesn't automatically assign one as being the more mature of the other person.
I am wondering if that was the R dynamic between the two of you throughout the M. Is that true? If so, then I'd do more internal work on shedding that type of dynamic by working on your attitudes. More on this later.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Originally Posted By: jim0987 Would you be critical of one of your Daughters in your heart? Would you vent? Frustrated maybe, looking for some changes in behaviour probably, but critical? I suspect not. I'll disappoint you and myself, but yes, I'm critical of my kids, especially D6 (and a half) because I have higher expectations. In fact, I use them as a barometer of my changes. Am I a better father to them? Do I exhibit the behaviors that I promise not to show in an R anymore? For me it's more realistic to think of how I would treat a girl I'm dating. It seems to suggest naturally how I should treat my W.
Geee whiz. It sounds like you really do not or might not love your children unconditionally because you have those "high expectations" that may end up in disappointment and/or resentment. Good gosh, if they don't measure up to your expectations, then the unspoken message is that they are not worthy of your love. Drop this attitude. Accept them for who they are...not WHAT they are. They will do things at their own pace.
Support. Encouragement.
STFU on criticisms. Sure, I think constructive feedback is more welcome than flat-out harsh criticisms no matter how small or large they may be.
Look inward. Try to be more self-aware of those tendencies.
