Mozza (5)

[Mozza]

Avoid seeing her so negatively b/c it comes across HERE and I'd bet it has in your own life a lot more than you realize.

OK, I will try. I see how it can work. It's not going to be easy. When I think of all my faults and flaws, there's always a huge "YES BUT..." in my head and then a list of hers. I also see that I must give a negative image of her to the people around me because no matter how I try to explain that I have my own issues, they always seem to blame her in the end. All their information on the sitch comes from me, so it must be my fault. In short, my story is that she fell in love with a handsome colleague 10 years my junior who was hitting on her. He took advantage of issues in our M. I have to learn to STFU.

(Do you BULLY her in arguments, Not letting the matter drop when she retreats or wants to switch topics? If so, that's a lot like bullying to me. You don't have to hit someone to bludgeon them with your opinion).

I'll have to think about it because it appears to be the opposite at first sight. As I said, I drop the matter faster and then I try to get her to calm down, to reconcile -- she acknowledges this. Come to think of it, that's just what's happening now. On a related note, my IC suggested that this separation might just be the continuation of our R: the same dynamics.

You seem to think you "SHOULD" tell her the negative things you feel as if they have value to her. They do Not. (...) Giving her negative feedback will never make her feel loved. THAT is the spouses job, (not the "Oh but I'm helping her not be so flawed, you know, b/c I just want her to be her best", which is a lie that critical spouses tell themselves to justify their harping and negative focus.)

You hit very close to home here. It's been a big part of our R since the beginning. She was very damaged when I met her (suicide attempts among other things) and she rebuilt through our R, became a confident woman, a mom of two with a good career. I'm 5 years older and more mature, so that often gave me an advantage in assessing situations and solutions. That's how I became the "adult" in the couple, not necessarily because I liked it. But by the time she was 33, she was her own adult and there was no need for me to take charge of the final say as much as I did. As much as I wanted her success, it was always with my support. She needed to succeed by herself -- she'll probably need that to ever g out with me again confidently.

In any case, she's of the same opinion as you: she left saying she doesn't want to be under my influence anymore, even the positive one. It struck me as odd at the time, but you're shining a new light on this. Thank you.

I want you to know that Your insights sound authentic, and you seem to be bravely looking within. I believe the most important journey in life is an inward one. If you continue on this path, I think You will become a man that only a fool would leave. And that matters a lot.

THANK YOU! I much appreciate the positive encouragement. This is the worst time of my life, it forces me to doubt myself a lot when I'm already at my weakest. A little pick-me-up is very helpful every now and then. I'm glad to hear that you believe in me.