Really too late....

[lost18]

I think it's time for me to really evaluate my life and wth I'm doing. I was able to find some posts when I was on here previously, unfortunately not when I first came on but even a couple of years after H came home the first time.

It was actually quite discouraging. Brought up a lot of memories of what had happened and some of it is similar to what is going on now. One big issue that is no longer an issue is S19 (S11 last time I posted). Our M has always had problems, and although I love my H, we have common goals, enjoy a lot of the same things and can have a great time together I'm just not sure that will be enough. We have to be willing to put the work in and right now he is not, honestly for most of our marriage he hasn't been. Not saying I was much better, but because it's my story I felt like I'm much more self-reflective than H. I feel like I tried some but gave up because he didn't. Or because I didn't think it was a big deal...

If I'm being honest, I have not made enough changes. Some absolutely, I do feel like the biggest one is my attitude. However, that fluctuates as well. There are things I would like to do but money is definitely an issue. I feel like it is something he is holding over my head right now (maybe not knowingly, but I think to a point he is).

I really wish DR was available electronically, I let my friend have mine a few months back and really need to reread it. MY problem is hiding it from H and the kids.

I'm tired and feel like I've rambled. I will say this, the time I was happiest with ME was when I was working out/running and doing races. I even did the Tough Mudder and the Ragnar Relay! For some reason that became an issue in our marriage and I allowed myself to feel guilty and eventually stopped.

Maybe I haven't made enough changes because I'm afraid it won't matter or I will eventually revert back to old ways (as before) because he won't do the work. I won't ever really know unless I make the full commitment.

I have lots of thinking to do....sigh