It is hard to separate the business of life when you are dealing with the one person you trusted with your heart. I am in this situation right now and finding it incredibly difficult. What's helped me is that I have two men in my family who I can confide in. They are not vengeful and we do not talk about facts and figures. They are helpful because they help me understand the way many men negotiate.
You can't be the wife in this situation. Maybe later but not right now.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
When you look at it just keep in mind what will keep you up at night and what you can sleep with.
That's a good way of looking at it. I just want to protect my kids, and even H, from all of this. I am praying for a reconciliation one day so to some extent I look at it as a huge, expensive and ultimately unnecessary expense that we are incurring. I cannot live with the hope of reconciliation at the forefront, I must live with the real possibility that this is my new life so I try to make decisions based on that angle.
Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
What's helped me is that I have two men in my family who I can confide in. They are not vengeful and we do not talk about facts and figures. They are helpful because they help me understand the way many men negotiate.
You can't be the wife in this situation. Maybe later but not right now.
You are so lucky have that. Those men I have in my life are too close to the situation (dad, brothers) so I don't feel comfortable sharing too much with them because I don't want them to have to deal with feelings that they can't deny later if we reconcile. I do have my Pastor and he has been a huge help in caring for me but watching out for me and my kids as well.
H sent me his travel itinerary for next week. He will be here the day after Thanksgiving until the Monday following, about 2.5 days with the kids. Ugh. I see that he is coming from an airport nearest to where OW is from so I can only assume he will be with her family on Thanksgiving. I wonder how her family will react to this older man in her life? He's 41 and she's 23 so that should make for some interesting side comments. If my husband is the man I've known for most of the last 23 years he will fit right in and be charming and they will love him but who knows what H will show up. I'm going to spend Thanksgiving with H's parents and my kids and try not to think about what H is doing. He's missing a holiday with his kids and he will live to regret that. Oh if I could be a fly on the wall though...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
About this: "Do you think he did that purposely or is it just part of the whole not-being-in-his-right-mind thing? I don't know, I sometimes cut my H a lot more slack than most because I truly feel like this is not my true H, it's some crazy alien that has taken over his body and I pray that my H (or a better version) will one day emerge. Either way, they (our MLC'ers) are so, so sad. As hard as this is I don't think I'd want what is truly going on in them, whether the recognize it or not, in trade."
Fthnluv, I have to believe his attorney has advised him he will have to give up half the pension. Otherwise, that's one ill-informed attorney. I think he just started 'low', and plans to go from there. But, he is not in his right mind, either. You are so right - they are very sad. That's all I see when I do see him (which is not often)...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I am so new to all this but I remember Cadet posting "believe none of what he says and half of what he does."
Seems like most attorneys who represent MLC spouses are ill-informed. Trying to extract information takes a lot of time and money. More profit representing MLC spouse than the LBS.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
"Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does"
This is such a true statement, and one I've thought a lot about and that has even brought me some comfort a few times over the past couple of months.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
If your H is in an MLC, he really does believe what he says. It's his reality now.
I agree with this too. They are in their own, skewed (IMHO) reality and we get to deal with all the fallout from it. I know they have (or will have) stuff they have to deal with on their end too but when you are the LBS and dealing with the kids alone 90% of the time, as I am, it feels like he is making all the decisions that affect all of us and I am left cleaning up the mess from the destruction caused.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
