Let's try this again

[T384]

So how exactly does one work on the when it seems I'm back to where I started with an uninterested partner? The weekly date nights are no longer planned by him, he is not nearly as affectionate as he was and I pointed this all out in October and I've continued to see it spiral as time has progressed

I am committed to my M but I need someone to be in this M with me. I need to let go of his at with OW but it's hard when someone isn't trying like he was. Because I know he is capable of the behavior and actions that I need from him to help me move forward.

I hate to sound like negative nancy but it's just the situation I find myself in. I'm trying to fix things on my end which is why I come here for advice

I've read DR multiple times and as recent as 2 weeks ago trying to figure out where I'm going wrong that his behavior changed. But he hasn't done the real work. Despite me not mentioning a peep about what he makes he still sees me as that person prior to BD. That all I care about is money. I've come to realize I can't change his perception about me because that is his reality. I have made a conscious effort since August to not bring up how much he makes/doesn't mske and the fact that I actually pay more than he does. We haven't discussed it because I don't want to be viewed as that person but last night it was made clear that he still views me that way. It's very hurtful because I have tried to change. Especially in regards to that. Where all this leaves me I really don't know. I know he has some major work to do to be in this R too and I don't want to be doing this alone

[Mozza]

There's an entire section in DR about why you might not see changes yet. I don't have it with me, but look around page 180 plus or minus 20 pages. It's about seeing the small signs, adapting your strategy, etc. I'm not surprised he still thinks of you as interested in money, since it's only been three months. Make sure too that you really reduce your focus on money, not just in your communications with him.

My W left in September and practically lives with her OM. They appear to be in love. I meet my W once a month and exchange small talk by email 4-5 times a week. Yet, here I am, DBing in hope of a R. Look at the success stories at the top of my thread. Successful people have gone through much worse. Be patient. Adapt. Take courage.

[Maybell]

There is a book Labug recommended to me frequently that I picked up and started a couple of weeks ago. It's on one of the reading lists in MLC (I think) and is very helpful. I don't want to mention it by name because I don't want to go back on moderation but it talks about fear in women and shame in men. It has really helped me understand things more clearly and may give you some helpful tools as well.

I can hear how frustrated you are and I feel for you. It's like someone who needs to hang a picture with a nail and a screwdriver.

I think there's a lot of hope for you guys. You just both need better tools. And he maybe needs more time. After all, he said he came back because of his own doubts, right, not because of your changes? So maybe he doesn't yet believe in your changes?

I'll keep you in my prayers, T.

[woundedfool]

So how exactly does one work on the when it seems I'm back to where I started with an uninterested partner?

Sounds like mind reading creeping back.

The weekly date nights are no longer planned by him, he is not nearly as affectionate as he was and I pointed this all out in October and I've continued to see it spiral as time has progressed

Ok, tell us how you "pointed it out"?

it's hard when someone isn't trying like he was. Because I know he is capable of the behavior and actions that I need from him to help me move forward.

So how have you changed toward him? (think of in the spirit of rewarding good behaviors)

I've read DR multiple times and as recent as 2 weeks ago

OK, quiz time... Grab you notes from DR, and tell me what you have listed as your 2 or 3 "What you Want"(s).

[sandi2]

I have gotten behind a little in your stitch, so this is simply a guess. You and your H handle things differently (as most couples do) and in his eyes you probably seem very efficient at every thing, even having repairs fixed around the house....whereas he may be lacking. He has good intentions, but....

I think he probably does feel inadequate compared to you. Whether you say or do things to affect those feelings....or if he brings it on himself, IDK. Speaking as a former WAS, the main ingredient in an A is the ego food that is served. He was with a much younger girl, so it stands to reason his experience in almost every thing would seem pretty good to her. She probably smeared on the admiration goo-goo talk and made him feel like some kind of god. (Remember, I'm speaking from my own experiences here).

He got his eyes open and realized he wanted his family back. Yes, he tried really hard for a while. I think for a lot of men their target is winning the prize (so to speak). I think it must be part of their nature. They are natural hunters who pursue their prey, whether animal or women. Once they catch whatever they are chasing, they relax. The hunt is over and they won the prize.

Just think about every couple you know. After the honeymoon stage, things begin to settle down and the man focuses on his duties of providing for his family. That is the number one thing for him. That is how he shows his love. To men, that is being a good husband! If he feels he is outdone by his W, I suppose that could affect his ego, IDK. Now days, it certainly takes both spouses working in most families.

Yes, I'm sure it is extremely difficult for you. But sweetheart, I wonder if you are unconsciously expecting him to continue to "prove" himself to be worthy? I mean, he messed up really, really bad! He caused major hurt. You know in your heart that you still have some resentment there.

In reading many threads of LBS, we see them working on their changes. I often tell them not to expect to see big changes in their WAS, nor all at once. The WAS is not focused on "changing". The reason the LBS is, was probably b/c they were trying to get the WAS back. The WAS isn't really interested in changing, to be blunt. However, if and when they go back into the M, they usually realize that change is necessary if they have intend having a good MR. And that is another reason why it is so important that the WAS reconciles "all the way".

Those issues have to get worked out, or else you will find yourself right back where you started. That's why I believe it is important to have a professional to help the couple with those issues.

My H simply refused to go with me to a counselor. In fact, I could see very little effort he put forth in the M. He told me up front he expected to see 100% effort in me. I didn't have the emotional energy or desire to give 1 %. But my stitch was a little different from yours. My point, however, is that I felt he was sitting back and watching (expecting) me to prove myself, and that I owed it to him. That gets heavy carrying around all the time.

I don't think you are sitting back. That's just not you. But I do wonder if he is perceiving some expectations from you. I know it is very discouraging when you have seen what he can do, and then stops. He may be feeling some resentment and thinks he always be on a "trial basis", since he scr@wed up. He may be asking himself why keep busting his butt if he can't measure up, but like I said, this is all speculation from a WAS viewpoint.

As always, I think you are pretty amazing and doing a good job. I think you guys will make it, but the next couple of years will be tough. Btw, the longer he goes sleeping on the couch, the worse it will get. So, swallow some pride and go ask him to please come back to bed with you. Don't do like I did. These men let "rejection" (and not just in sex) do terrible things to them. Let him know you want him, appreciate, and admire him. It does a lot to soothe their ego and gives them a lot of encouragement/energy.

((hugs))

[T384]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and sorry for the late response. We are just getting back from vacation... And we all, H included, had a wonderful time.

Mozza, Maybell and Wounded - thank you for your words. So to touch on what I want...
I want a loving R with my H where we both feel our feelings reciprocated by the other

Sandi - you are so wise. Your post resonates so much with me ... Do you know
Me in real life? Lol

I am a very strong independent person --- I know difficult to think that based on my posts during our S. But I take charge and get things done. I so badly want H to be the one that takes charge but I've accepted that's not always going to be him. I have bowed down to allow him
To be the man but In the same capacity if things don't get taken care of I see that it gets resolved. My mom pointed this out as well that my H probably felt inferior to me; that he didn't really feel as though I needed him. TBH I don't need him, I want him in my life but those 6 months showed me I can do it on my own. That in itself was empowering. I know the 19 yo stroked his ego. Everything was great to her whereas I'm more mature and we have the daily responsibilities of life and we aren't in La La land.

My H shows his love for me by taking care of things for me. This may sound silly. But my work car always has a full tank of gas even if it means him filling it up late at night if I work the next morning. He built me a convertible fun car for the beach last year for the boys and I. I know this is how he shows me he loves me. I guess it's just hard when. He's shown he can do/be/show more than he is doing right now. I know it's the chase- and now he's comfortable. But I'm thinking in the back of my mind --- is he regretting his decision? Is he talking to her again? Is he unhappy? Is he going to leave again? I really don't bring this up with him and I'm not sure it's appropriate to bring up in counseling because it's something I need to work on BUT his behavior can really fuel the uncertainties I feel.

I do have a lot of resentment I'm dealing with internally. How could he do what he did? Why did I let him off so easily? Why didn't I make him work harder? Did he really learn 'his lesson'? I feel like I let him step out on our M put us through hell and when he was over 'it' came strolling back in. I don't know how to move past this all besides time. But truth be told I love my H so incredibly much that. I am scared. I don't wantto lose him and I don't want to go through this again.

So in regards to vacation. I ended up working a ton of Ot last week and I paid for the days H would miss from work. I actually just made arrangements with his boss to pay for the days he would miss this way it wasn't a huge thing. I made sure to discuss this with H so he didn't think I was babying him or overstepping myself. He was really appreciative and I know if the roles were reversed he would have done so for me. We ended up talking everything out and moved forward from the issue. He apologized about the money comment and said it was in a moment of anger and that it was unfair because money hasn't been mentioned by me in regards to his job.

So we ended up driving to the mountains and had a great time with my family. We had a few too many by the fire outside and shared a lot of laughs and made some great memories. We ended up taking the boys to a local christmas tree lot and walked what seemed like miles until they found the perfect tree to cut down and it made it the long drive home on top of the truck lol ... Typical floridians we are

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday

[Maybell]

It's really great to hear you happy.

[T384]

Thank you Maybell

[Heart14]

TBH I don't need him, I want him in my life but those 6 months showed me I can do it on my own. That in itself was empowering. I know the 19 yo stroked his ego. Everything was great to her whereas I'm more mature and we have the daily responsibilities of life and we aren't in La La land.

T, I'm so glad things are continuing to improve for you. I can really relate to what you are saying. The time my H was in crazy town was awful, but getting through that and finding my own strength was a positive takeaway. In a weird way, his crisis helped me learn a lot about myself too.

But I'm thinking in the back of my mind --- is he regretting his decision? Is he talking to her again? Is he unhappy? Is he going to leave again? I really don't bring this up with him and I'm not sure it's appropriate to bring up in counseling because it's something I need to work on BUT his behavior can really fuel the uncertainties I feel.

Have you gone to any IC? Maybe this is something worth talking to a C about on your own. I definitely struggle with this as well. I try, although I'm out always successful, to ask myself if my thoughts are coming from something in our current interactions or if I'm letting the past cloud the present. Probably 9 times out of 10 it's my pain from the past. My IC has been a great outlet for me if I feel overwhelmed. I talk to H about it some too, but I also feel like it's my own security issue. Certainly asking for reassurances when you need them should be ok though.

I do have a lot of resentment I'm dealing with internally. How could he do what he did? Why did I let him off so easily? Why didn't I make him work harder? Did he really learn 'his lesson'? I feel like I let him step out on our M put us through hell and when he was over 'it' came strolling back in. I don't know how to move past this all besides time. But truth be told I love my H so incredibly much that. I am scared. I don't wantto lose him and I don't want to go through this again.

So much of what you are saying is hitting home for me. I'm not sure there is anything that can calm your fears except time and continued improvement in your M. Repairing the damage is probably going to take a lot of time. Keep doing what works and stay patient. This is still a marathon. Keep up the great work!

[T384]

Thanks Heart

I actually made an appointment for IC for next week with our MC. I need to figure out how to address my fears/resentment towards H. It's something I need to figure out.

It's so good to hear someone that can relate. Being this is typed I can see how my thoughts and feelings get jumbled up and can maybe be read wrong by others. I hate to always sound negative and I guess it's because I come
Here for help with solutions. I'm happy to be in this place with H but it is also such hard work. I need to practice patience!