Now of course I am rethinking thanksgiving. Is it selfish not to go? Aren't the kids just gonna be like WTF dad why aren't you coming? Torn. I think too much. Anyone else in a similar sitch this holiday season?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
yeah foot, i haven't been invited to thanksgiving (her mom will be visiting). she has reserved a spot for me at a dinner at a resort lodge. afterword, santa will be coming down the chimney there. we are planning to make a day of it by skiing, tubing, et al before dinner. i'm going because i want to A)have fun with my kids B)she initiated it c)opportunity to show off my 180's.
it's gonna have to be your decision and what you think you can emotionally handle. my two cents. good luck
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Yeah I'm going to press forward with this plan. Ill come up with something to do in the early part of the day and then they can go. Theres no point in pretending for anyone anymore.
W's blabby BFF texted me this morning asking how Im doing. I mentioned that my PMA had dipped in the past few days after I saw W's friend tag her on FB on a double date with OM. She agreed that that was a very tacky/heartless thing to do. She urged me to keep moving on. I told her that Ive been fighting for my life to move on, but its near impossible to do when W is still in the house, not taking care of herself, leaving me all the financial responsibilities and upkeep, etc etc. I told her its brutally hard to "move on" when she wont "move out".
Then she replied "Her mom is going to help her get a place after Xmas".
I guess I should be relieved.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Should have ended that text convo with her friend sooner. It turned into her telling me that I need to be happy for me, I cant love anyone until I love myself, and that I need to get a new job that I am happier with, and that the men my W has left me for have "things they really love in life and jobs that make them feel good", and that my W lost sight in my beauty because I lost sight in my beauty.
Great. Awesome. PMA = toast. god how do i get out of this.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
W's blabby BFF texted me this morning asking how Im doing
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it is wise for the H to be talking to his WAW'S friends. She is your W's BFF, not yours. If you think she won't blab to your W, then you may be in for a rude awakening. She may appear to be showing you support, but don't kid yourself. Best not to share anything with her friends.
And there have been cases where this type of thing turned into the BFF pursuing her friends's LBH, so please be careful.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm sure you're right sandi. This friend is a little different, in that we are all pretty close. I know that she will blab to my w, so I'm pretty selective with what I say to her. It's also the only I have to understand what my W is thinking.
But the two of them are clearly wrapped up in a dream world where people just jump from relationship to relationship looking for magic and spark and inspiration. I can't argue with it and I dont. It's just frustrating that this is the view my w has taken Of our life together.
My only option now is to ask her to move out sooner. Can't do another six weeks of this.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Does anyone know how I can proceed here while still following DB principles? I reread several sections of DR last night and all I can see is "after the LRT". She wont end the affair, sees nothing wrong with her actions, and (if I am to gather via BFF) sees herself as a prize that I have simply lost by not being happy enough. Even though she herself is miserable. There is certainly truth in that, but all I have done for the past 3 months is make progress in the right direction on all fronts.
Am I wrong to act on emotion right now? Should I initiate a talk tonight?
It just kills me that I am still portrayed (according to these texts from BFF) as hanging on, trying to win her back, pursuing etc etc. I have distanced myself from her as much as I possibly can with her still in the house and doing very little to pull her weight. I cant go any darker with her sleeping 15 feet away from me.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Does anyone know how I can proceed here while still following DB principles? I reread several sections of DR last night and all I can see is "after the LRT". She wont end the affair, sees nothing wrong with her actions, and (if I am to gather via BFF) sees herself as a prize that I have simply lost by not being happy enough. Even though she herself is miserable. There is certainly truth in that, but all I have done for the past 3 months is make progress in the right direction on all fronts.
Am I wrong to act on emotion right now? Should I initiate a talk tonight?...
Hi 1foot2,
Yeah, it bugs me too that my W feels she is doing nothing wrong when she dates other men, while we are still married. So I understand your frustration with your W not seeing anything wrong with her affair. BUT...
Don't listen to BFF. Don't listen to anything your W says or tells to anyone else. You don't think your W is feeling bad about her actions? Then why is she miserable?
And keep the focus on yourself. You've made progress, and seem to be doing really well. At this point you are doing this for yourself, and any future R that you (with your W or with any future relationships that you have.)
So to answer your question, yes, stay patient, and keep working on yourself. You are worth it.
Thanks wet. I'm on it. I forgot the basic tenet to believe nothing they say (or what their BFFs say). I just had a good phone call with my friend who told me much more forcefully to completely disregard what she's saying. He reminded me that I know my W much better than her friend does.
Should I even acknowledge that I know she is planning to move out? It might not even been 100% true. After all she's been planning to move for months, and my understanding was that her mom didn't plan to help her.
I suppose I should stick with my plan of telling her I'm not going to thanksgiving and moving on without her.
I feel a bit off the ledge now. Thanks wet.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Should I even acknowledge that I know she is planning to move out? It might not even been 100% true.
Of course not. There is nothing to be gained. Remember she is an opponent to your M right now. Don't share intel with your opponent. She has now lost the element of surprise in her move. That gives you time to prepare and not break down when/if she follows through. That may be worth something or nothing. But revealing that you know will just cause her to plug the leaks.
Quote:
Am I wrong to act on emotion right now? Should I initiate a talk tonight?
While you're DB'ing trying to work on your M, never act on emotion. The best choices are made rationally. And stop talking; she's not listening.
And asking her to "move out sooner" - what does that accomplish? You are trying to tell her what to do. Learn to state your actual boundary (what you won't tolerate) without telling her what to do. There are pros/cons to have her living with you. If you think she's already planning to move, it will happen soon enough, there's no need to hand her another example of you trying to tell her what to do.
And more important than telling her you plan to move on is showing her (without telling her) that you are moving on and will be just fine.
