So thinking back to last nights conversation, which was late and long so I'm still thinking through the pieces, was the first time since BD that W not only apologized but also said everything she did was a big mistake. That she was so afraid of where she was in life that she didn't care who she hurt or what she did and that she was willing to do anything to keep running. I wish I was faster to say the right things in the moment. I felt like I needed to have something amazing to say but I didn't. She didn't express any wants to return to the R but it was still nice to hear the change in how she views the events. She still likes to re iterate the reasons for our M coming apart but I can admit the problems and own the things I did so that doesn't worry me.
The thing that worries me now is she is soo lost and confused about what to do. I know she is thinking about several things and one of them is still whether to just push the D and fight me for custody to see if she can get S and that will make her happy. Its the one thing that has me considering turning down this out of state job and finishing the D here so I can have my S without worrying about her trying to take him on that basis. I don't know how long I would be able to keep my current job before finding a new one. I don't know what I would do from that point on. Its all kinda scary. I think for now I need to keep on my current path and if she makes a move, react however I need to.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I think for now I need to keep on my current path and if she makes a move, react however I need to.
I'm not so sure, Bunches. I'm worried in that in your wife's current agitated (desperate? entitled? manic??) state, I don't trust what she might try to do legally and financially. I think I'd be far more comfortable if you were leading the show here, to the extent that you can.
There is a truism around here that you cannot trust to leave the marriage in the hands of the person who doesn't have its best interests at heart right now.
Hey Starsky, I'd ask if you could elaborate a little on "leading the show". I started paperwork weeks ago and am currently the one driving the D because she was not willing the change course after all this time. I've been trying to settle D to establish custody so I can be secure in S and my future if its going to have to be without her. She has sought counsel to the side about driving away from uncontested divorce to fight for custody but as far as I know they seem to have suggested her odds aren't good and her only angle is me wanting to move away.
Are you suggesting I should take the initiative to upgrade to uncontested D or leading some kind of R talk?
Financially I think I should be safe at this point. Her credit card was closed down months ago from her not paying it and my name is off it. My accounts are all separated except the one which only has $200 if she wanted to grab for money. The house is gone. She does have a car in my name but has had it this whole time and the loan on it is owed to a member of her family so I've just kinda let that go.
By the way, thanks for ringing in again lately. As always, its much appreciated! I can be pretty thick headed and need someone to shine a laser pointer to follow when I turn off the wisdom lights. : )
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
OK cool, I was unaware (or needed reminding) about all of those moves you made, and I was going more by the comment you made about "reacting" to what she does.
I do think you should make your job and where-to-live decisions, etc., based on what works for you and S6, and with an overall assumption that you CANNOT trust your wife legally right now. Then if she pleasantly surprises you, all the better.
I guess that'd be an "Act As If NOT", lol, and maybe not pure DBing but her manic, even immature behavior just concerns me.
So I've been trying to work out the kinks in my plan of moving. I've contacted schools in NC, picked out a couple I like that could possibly work, and forwarded the information to W wo she can't say I'm not informing her of anything. I've been working more focused recently taking on a new array of projects at work and feel like I'm creating some success again. I've also taken up a spin class at my gym every Saturday and Sunday and got a computer program to re learn French which I took in college but have forgotten most of since then. Feeling pretty active and good with my schedule these days.
W came by tonight to visit S. She seems to be a little calmer today. She talked a little bit about sitch but seems to have made no progress as to where she wants to come down on the whole thing. Tonight though was the first time I can remember her talking about MR. She said that she has thought a lot in recent days about us trying to make things work but always thinks she just sees us getting a year down the road in counseling or something and me not being able to forgive her and starting this whole painful experience over again for all of us.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
W came by this morning to have breakfast with us before we head out of town. It was only supposed to be a quick breakfast because she is having a hard time being away from S so much and particularly around the holidays. She was just talking about things in her life until an old favorite song of hers came on, "Blessings". She stared out into space for a min and then just started to cry. I gave a few minutes but when she didn't improve I started to ask what was wrong and she started a list of things and her happiness again. She eventually got around to us and R. Where she stated that she didn't feel like we could try to work things out because she just saw us getting a year or two down the road and feeling the same...like she doesn't want to be here. She explained how much she cared for me but that she doesn't feel 'it'. I started to put out my thoughts and was a couple minutes until I caught myself and said I don't need to tell you what to do. Your decision to try is up to you, not me. She left shortly after that having cried all her makeup away, headed to work.
I feel like I failed this morning. Its so much harder to hold your ground in the moment and be emotionally unavailable. How is it I can still love this woman after 13 months of being treated like some unwanted pet and her now multiple A's. Feeling kind of low today and about to hit the road for a 5 hour drive with S freaking out in the back for the trip and my thoughts tearing me down.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Oh I wish I could give you a hug! I wish I could tell you it will all work out and she will want to try. I don't understand the feeling "it" either but that is what my H was waiting around for too. He (still) keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't "feel it" with me. Sorry to get off track..... do you have a brother/sister/mom/dad/best friend that can join you for this trip last minute? Make lots of stops and try and take your mind off of this by stopping at any little attractions along the way.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I feel like I failed this morning. Its so much harder to hold your ground in the moment and be emotionally unavailable. How is it I can still love this woman after 13 months of being treated like some unwanted pet and her now multiple A's.
Could be the holiday. You guys have a lot of shared history together. fwiw, I do think you handled the convo very well.
Thanks Twin, I appreciate the mental hug. : ) I actually have BF and BIL that I'll be riding with along with S that are keeping me company on the ride but can't talk openly about the sitch. BF has been very "screw her" the whole time. I usually just let him get it out when he starts on a rant but don't think I can deal with it today. BIL is usually very understanding. My Sister, BIL's W, left him years ago and they were seperated for nearly 2 years before they R and he knows a lot of what this is like. Of course in his sitch there was no A but she did see other people while apart.
W still wants there to be some magic to make her want us again and anything else doesn't seem to be a good enough reason.
Looking forward to seeing some family on this trip but I also know it will be full of people I haven't seen since before BD that will have questions.
I hope you are well twin. How's the baby?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
