So thinking back to last nights conversation, which was late and long so I'm still thinking through the pieces, was the first time since BD that W not only apologized but also said everything she did was a big mistake. That she was so afraid of where she was in life that she didn't care who she hurt or what she did and that she was willing to do anything to keep running. I wish I was faster to say the right things in the moment. I felt like I needed to have something amazing to say but I didn't. She didn't express any wants to return to the R but it was still nice to hear the change in how she views the events. She still likes to re iterate the reasons for our M coming apart but I can admit the problems and own the things I did so that doesn't worry me.
The thing that worries me now is she is soo lost and confused about what to do. I know she is thinking about several things and one of them is still whether to just push the D and fight me for custody to see if she can get S and that will make her happy. Its the one thing that has me considering turning down this out of state job and finishing the D here so I can have my S without worrying about her trying to take him on that basis. I don't know how long I would be able to keep my current job before finding a new one. I don't know what I would do from that point on. Its all kinda scary. I think for now I need to keep on my current path and if she makes a move, react however I need to.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
