Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[bravo61]

bug thanks for commenting.
i have been in therapy since early july (2014) to be a better me. i've learned that i didn't deserve the treatment that i got as a child. i felt that it was something wrong with me instead of issues with my parents. i have never been violent but yelled in fights but never threatened, punched walls, etc. she did feel as if she was on egg shells. i've realized that all the things that would happen that i would get upset about JUST DON"T MATTER!
i guess that means that i have hit rock bottom. in spite of the "spew" i've gotten from her since i've been here, i haven't raised my voice one time but truly have tried to see her point. and even when i can't, i realize that those are her feelings and who am i to try to change them. go back and read some of the spew i've gotten-its been bad and no reverting to who i was.

even my C has said that i'm a totally different person. i mentioned to her that i am worried about being bitter towards W. she said that she had no fear of that as "you wouldn't even fit in those clothes anymore".

i had an epithany yesterday. the person my W is right now is not who i want to be with. this relationship does have to die. i deserve better that i have been treated. i could not take her back in the shape she is in right now. i've put/and still putting in the work. basically i'm hoping to keep a small kernel of hope in the shadows of my heart while still moving forward. i do love her (well who she was and could be again) and i hope she finds the woman she once was. for that to happen, she will have to face herself in the mirror and change what needs to change. oddly detaching at an alarming rate.