Doing the limbo thing (thread 7)

[Train]

DB-ing is all about getting you THIS point. It doesn't really cover the piecing part so much.

Precisely.

Sho, I don't mean to beat a dead horse here. I think the reason I'm so passionate about this particular part of the journey is because I didn't do it right in 2005/06. I did EXACTLY what Theoden detailed in his post: I took DBing and applied it to piecing. I was happy to have my H back. I did all the heavy-lifting by myself. I avoided. I ignored. I suffered largely in silence. H said he was sorry, sure. But I didn't, as Theoden says, "step into my own life." I let a lot slide; I didn't want to lose my H again. I thought talking about the A was wrong (again, still applying the DB rules to piecing, even though I've now learned - through ANOTHER A, and ANOTHER round of piecing - that the rules are completely different in piecing).

You won't find a lot of people posting in the Piecing forum here. That's why I stayed in Infidelity. There's not a whole lot that is addressed about the piecing process, which is unfortunate. There's some information in other books and on other websites, though.

Mostly, though, we have the benefit of talking with others who have successfully pieced their Ms back together, like Starsky. And then there's me: someone who failed Piecing Round One and is in the middle of Round Two. And doing it VASTLY different this time. In fact, I question everything I'm saying and doing this time because it feels I'm doing it all wrong. I'm still having bouts of anger and temper-tantrums. I'm sending my H articles that explain why everything can seem great between us and then - BOOM - something knocks me to my knees and sends me into crying, screaming hysterics. I've had to apologize a lot. He's had to apologize a lot. I've watched and listened as he paced our backyard, crying and moaning with sorrow as I sat, sobbing and hysterical on my back patio steps. He's had to answer hard and pointed questions. And he's done it, in spite of the fact that he feels immense guilt and shame and hurt, too. I keep digging it up, it seems, right when he feels we are doing better.

This is so hard. It's gut-wrenching. Heart-breaking.

I don't want to punish him. But when he agreed to fix our M, he agreed to walk with me down this road. And to do whatever it takes - however long it takes - to help me through it. In addition to alllll of that, we are working on our love. We are working to re-learn what our needs are - and how to meet each other's needs. AND we are working on improvements to our individual selves.

Again, a lot of work. A LOT of HARD work ...

If my H hadn't fully owned-up to everything - if he wasn't apologetic and going wayyyyy out of his way to comfort me and understand me and love me through all this - I don't think we would be here. It starts with them acknowledging everything you need them to acknowledge. For all the many reasons Theoden has detailed.

I just want to stress how important I think it is that this part of your journey is executed perfectly. It's SO important. It's indicative of how the road will unfold before you as you piece your M back together. Honesty and full disclosure - or at least a WILLINGNESS to fully disclose - is of paramount importance. Maybe you don't need all the information. Cool. She should still be willing to provide it. Period. If she's not? Then she's not ready for the heavy-lifting of true piecing. That's just my opinion.