Mozza (5)

[25yearsmlc]

And it reminded me of how you'll also say you are having success at being LESS critical...right after you cut her down again. Try to catch yourself doing it, and then it'll be easier to change. And when you replace the negative things you do NOT want to say or do, you will need to learn some new POSITIVE behaviors to replace the negatives one with...okay?

Are you saying I should not be critical of her at all on these boards either? And in my heart? Honest question. I find it interesting.

Mozza the one thing I've learned from my short time on this earth is that an emotion will perpetuate more of the same emotion. Meaning if on these boards and in your heart you're critical of her actions it will be harder to fake it when game time comes.


BINGO^^^^....

Why would you "need" to be critical of her HERE?

The claim and the idea that we come here to "just vent" rings hollow to me. USUALLY (not always but way more often than not) people who "vent" here, stay stuck in their victimhood and anger, LONGER.

If you don't feel a lot calmer after you supposedly "vented," then it's NOT helping you at all. It's making your wounds fester and rot.

Avoid seeing her so negatively b/c it comes across HERE and I'd bet it has in your own life a lot more than you realize. Your description of how you two fight makes me think you let off steam faster but for HER, there are wounds you are not even aware of. And it wears on her. (Do you BULLY her in arguments, Not letting the matter drop when she retreats or wants to switch topics? If so, that's a lot like bullying to me. You don't have to hit someone to bludgeon them with your opinion).

When my h says a snotty thing and then drops the issue and "makes up" later, but does not SAY something to un-do his earlier comment, it still hurts me long after HE thinks "it's over"....a lot of us are that way. Don't think an apology means the comment has been rescinded AND forgotten; it has not.

Usually it's still stinging and what I mean to say is, there are many things that cannot be "unsaid", so don't say them at all. MOST criticisms are that way.

You seem to think you "SHOULD" tell her the negative things you feel as if they have value to her. They do Not.

You need to let that sink in. Unless there is an important boundary for you, (which is not about HER so much as about you)

there's NO "need" to tell her your negative opinions of her. Ever.

Why would there ever be? It's not your job to help her become her best self, that's for her church or parents, and their job ended years ago too. Giving her negative feedback will never make her feel loved. THAT is the spouses job, (not the "Oh but I'm helping her not be so flawed, you know, b/c I just want her to be her best", which is a lie that critical spouses tell themselves to justify their harping and negative focus.

Since you do tend to see things as half empty, I urge extra caution for you in this area.

Work on YOU.

It's best to in all your walks of life think and act as if the person were listening. This goes for everything not just WAW, you need to truely forgive and understand and accept your WAW for who she is. [/quote]


Mozz, I say all this^^ but not with the idea that you are "Way behind" where you are supposed to be. I say these things so you don't backslide, which is tempting and happens here, way too often. First and something you MUST get, is that forgiving her, is for YOU more than anyone else. It means letting go of the pain you feel from her, and it means that no matter what happens between you two, the Affair is not the indicator for you of happiness or feeling good about yourself, etc. IT's NOT a barometer of your self worth. Let it go.


IF you two reconcile, THEN there will be other aspects that need addressing such as her regaining your trust AND you regaining hers, and transparency, etc. For now, that's not applicable.

I want you to know that Your insights sound authentic, and you seem to be bravely looking within. I believe the most important journey in life is an inward one.


If you continue on this path, I think You will become a man that only a fool would leave.

And that matters a lot.