Let's try this again

[T384]

Claire. Thanks for the post. You must have been reading my mind.

I don't want to sound like a whiner because I know a lot of people would love to be where I am but I don't want to be here with someone that isn't putting in the effort. He had shown me in August and September he would do anything snd he has slowly backed off from that and I see old habits coming out in him and now this. He talks with my grandmother who we are going to see weekly and just told Her last week how excited he was so its not that.

So anyway I tried to 180 this. I ended up texting him that I would cover the money he would lose on not working so that he could come. I told him I picked up an OT shift and would cover it that we just wanted him to come. He explained that he needed to work thanksgiving too! Um huh? So I called him so we could talk. He sent me to voicemail. I got home he's sitting on the couch the boys are in bed and he hasn't said a word to me. He has his head down in his phone texting.

I ended up taking a long shower and am in the kitchen cleaning. Ugh why is this so difficult. Sometimes I wonder if he regrets coming back. Especially with this behavior. I really don't want to drive alone 10 hours with the boys each way in potential snow.

[claire7]

Careful.. don't mind read. Is it just grandma? Or lots of other family too?

What other communication skills have you developed that you can use? Is there a way to ask in an open ended way? (That doesn't put him on the defensive)

And, some times, spouses do have to work on holidays. It's possible, right? Let go of resentment. I know it is hard. That doesn't mean don't share how you feel (nervous about the drive, wanting to spend holiday with him), but let him make his own choices. You don't have to love his choice. But don't keep score or resent.

[Maybell]

T, I've been struggling to figure out what to say to you. I think Claire is on the right track. But I wanted you to know I'm here and pulling for you.

Since I'm on a gratitude kick during this week before Thanksgiving, I'd like to ask you... What about your H being home are you grateful for?

[T384]

So I asked H if he wanted to talk. He said I have said all I needed to say. Which was in a text that said hes not the man for me and that I can take care of all the house stuff like the water pipes etc since I have to take care of everything. I'm guessing this came from me offering to pay for him missing work. I'm not sure. I went back and forth on offering because I didn't want to come off like I was being controlling or trying to make him feel inadequate I just wanted him to know I wanted him to come and if it was just about money then I didn't want him to miss out on coming over that and since I have the ability to make extra to cover it I dont mind at all. No scorecards here.

So I ended up coming to my room. I guess he's sleeping on the couch. I can't help but think we are doomed to fail. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Do I still have work to do .. Of course. But how can someone be so strong for 2 months and turn to this. I'm just so upset and feel like I made a mistake but I don't even know what mistake I made.

I know it is his choice to go. It's just I feel like he made every vacation with Ow happen no problem and now when it comes to us it's an excuse a week before when this has been planned for more than a month.

I am grateful for my H being home because I love him, I love spending time with him; I love that I have someone to help me with the every day life stuff, I love that we can have fun no matter what we're doing (well almost everything)

[Maybell]

When he texted that to you did you tell him what you're grateful for about him as a validation?

Does he see IC? Have a history of depression? Do you guys talk about your R?

I so want this to work for your family. Your list sounds loving and it would be sad to lose that.

[woundedfool]

Side note...

You need to totally let go of the historical vacations with 19girl.

Those have nothing to do with your current R now. Other then, with the debt he accumulated going on those, he is having to pay the piper now. I told you once before, he was living a college fantasy/no responsibility life they do not have a correlation to where he is now.

As far as working on the holidays, I don't think it is a stretch to find out if his office/company/job is open, right? While I am not suggesting anything covert or snooping... a simple call to get their holiday hours would be reasonable.

I don't know how long term you have worked at places... but he is less then 6 months there, low man on the totem pole/newer employees are typically the ones working the crap hours during the holidays. So for me the statement is entirely plausible.

Finally, in the spirit of finances, and all the other issues surrounding this trip. Why not just postpone?

[Maybell]

Woundedfool, can you weigh in...?

T shows up here every time she has a hill she's thinking of dying on, and we here never hear about the good times. It raises the question for me of how committed SHE is to the marriage now. I get it, it's reasonable... But maybe addressing that would help her cope with all these bumps with less urgency?

[T384]

Wounded -

The shop is closed. He is choosing to work to be paid so he will get a full weeks paycheck. So it is his choice to miss the vacation. Which is fine if it would have been his choice in the beginning vs planning it up until a week before.

Maybell - I do come here when I have problems that I need help with responding to. I've tried to give others advice and not focus on my thread all the time to consume others with my happiness. I have posted good things and there have been a lot of minor things I dont post. But the things I do are things I either A haven't dealt with because I haven't been in this situation before or B issues that we have had before prior to BD that I'm trying to do my part in resolving differently.

As far as my H to answer your question from last night. I'm pretty sure he was depressed around the time of BD but I didn't see it at the time or maybe chose not to see it. He does not see IC.

I will post more later. I was just trying to update real quick while im waiting in line to pick up S from school.

[Maybell]

Hey, I hope you didn't read that as a 2x4!!!! You have been very supportive and extremely helpful. I'm not in your situation so I'm not claiming wisdom-- I proposed the thought to Wounded because his perspective seems reliable and I wasn't sure if mine is. It was just a thought because he moved home so fast, before you guys had much chance to rebuild. Also his text to you was basically the same complaints he made before so he hasn't solved things on his end and should probably see an IC.

So sorry that didn't sit right with you -- wasn't intended as a slam at all.

[woundedfool]

Woundedfool, can you weigh in...?

T shows up here every time she has a hill she's thinking of dying on, and we here never hear about the good times. It raises the question for me of how committed SHE is to the marriage now. I get it, it's reasonable... But maybe addressing that would help her cope with all these bumps with less urgency?

I think that it is a fair observation, while it is natural in our situations to search here for solutions to problems (or hiccups); it would be better to see the issue before it is a problem.

I hope this doesn't come off as condescending TO324 or a dig... but it is true, you do seem a bit on auto-pilot. I said this a while ago: You were the only one putting in work for the M, your not done working, its just you now have a partner to help you with the work.

I have tried to encourage others (and you) to re-read DR and DB over and over again. To get each part engrained into your memory, and be able to see parts that have evolved, and with that evolution, look at them through a different perspective.

Its kind of like working out or weight loss, you start to achieve part of your goal, and then you rest on your laurels, and pretty soon you are back into old habits. Stay on track, keep focused. There is still lots of work to put in.

But YES, TO324 you have not shared much of (now that I think about it, if any of) your successes. So in the spirit of Maybell's post/question:

TO324, tell us some of the good parts (don't spare the smallest accomplishment) and don't worry about the feeling of rubbing others noses in it. Sometimes its good amongst friends to create a little jealous envy: