It was in a moment of being upset, so it clearly wasn't validating in any way. I asked how she was still torn (aka- argued with her feelings) and then went through the list of all the things SHE had decided in regards to our R. Not to excuse my behavior, but finding out 'things' went on prior to BD with OM and some random guy (making me question the past 15 years) was like a whole new BD. How many other 'mistakes' did she never plan on telling me? Who else knew and didn't tell me? I went from being 'friendly' to not really caring how nasty I was towards her. Nice trait, huh? I had been doing so well on being the bigger person lately and acting like I didn't care about things, but that info hit me like a ton of bricks. It's so 'easy' to respond out of bitterness.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
I would suggest that you not tell the kids since you two are feeling mixed up emotionally and one would not want to leave less than positive memory of the holidays in the kiddo's minds.
Goodness...I've read so many stories here and IRL about how people relay that their parents dropped the bomb on their birthdays, Xmas, or some special occasion. The sad thing is that their memories of the special day is forever associated with the bomb day.
That's exactly what I want to avoid. But playing devil's advocate, I wonder if I'm just giving myself an 'excuse' to delay what I consider the inevitable. Is there really ever a good time for D?
There's a good reason for the 24-hour rule (or 72-hours) to get one centered and calm before responding to any texts or emails. Dust yourself off and get back on the horse.
Originally Posted By: Tarheel
That's exactly what I want to avoid. But playing devil's advocate, I wonder if I'm just giving myself an 'excuse' to delay what I consider the inevitable. Is there really ever a good time for D?
There's no devil here. It is all in your head. What I meant earlier was not telling the kids at this time since TG and Xmas are just around the corner. Especially if any one of their birthdays are in Nov/Dec.
This has nothing to do with the "inevitable" as you think here. What is inevitable unless you think it anyway?
Nothing is inevitable unless it is dotted and crossed on a piece of paper. Even so, it is not always that concrete as evidenced by Crimson's sitch.
Tar...I don't recall how you ended up deciding what live decided. I've been operatin under the 30 day rule. When the day comes that my feelings about something remain consistent for a full month then I trust them. As long as I'm conflicted and my feelings roller coaster, I hold off on actions that are irreversible.
I served my STBX with separation papers. I could've done that months earlier, but I held off for a while for me to feel confident it was what I wanted. I did NOT file divorce. She might. I might down the road. But I was really taking my time.
This is a marathon. I've become OK with limbo. I don't want to date others right now. Why do I need a D finalized? For closure? To send her a message?
I say let go, GAL, move on, act as if you were D, but let her drive the ship. Of course if there are legal reasons that's different.
Good luck!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I think there were a combination of things that led me to decide to pursue the dissolution. In brief, W dropping out of MC, getting her own condo and meeting with an atty gave me every impression that we were headed towards D. She even told me that's how she was leaning and we started talking about kids/finances. The last few weeks, there have been more to pile on as she mentioned wanting to eventually date someone (I will not live in an open M) so I started leaning that way. With what I've been through, I think the fact that she told me that while trying to be funny was the turning point in my attitude towards her lately.
With the recent discovery that she was unfaithful to me at least twice that I know of prior to BD, combined with the fact that she never planned on telling me and that she doesn't see any benefit in explaining or giving me any answers about them now that I do know really pushed me over the edge. How could I continue to fight for my M with someone who had made several 'mistakes' with no intention of telling me and who only now gives a forced 'I'm sorry' because I found out? The question has changed from 'Do I want to save my M?' to 'Could I ever see myself being with this person?'
One of our biggest issues with our M was that she was always off doing things with her friends, girl trips to Chicago, Vegas, etc while I was the homebody who rarely went out. Now I look back at all those times she went out and question how many other 'mistakes' she made and never planned on confessing to.
I'm nowhere ready for a serious R right now, but I'm the type of person who doesn't feel 'right' about dating anyone while still legally M. I've spent 14 mos in limbo and am getting tired of saying 'If I was in a R, I now know what I'd do different...' I'm ready to put my knowledge to the test, should the opportunity present itself.
Excellent advice from Zues126. I like the 30-day rule.
Tarheel, you're driven by your emotions and you get great satisfaction from it. You make excuses why you had to be nasty, to sidestep the rules, to be upset and show her. You need to catch yourself when it happens. Don't come here and make excuses after the fact. Come here to tell us what a heroic effort it was to hold back on that perfect comeback. We'll cheer on you. You say you don't know if you want the M -- then why do you ruin your chances of saving it? You stop DBing when you've made a choice to have a nasty S, not when you're on the fence. Sandi2 has been very blunt with you, to no avail.
Yes, you've been the bigger person for a while. Here's your medal. Was that what you were after? Or do you want to keep the option of a reconciliation alive? Is it such a big deal if you've made some extra efforts that end up being useless because you divorce? Are you capable of making these efforts? Everybody here makes tremendous efforts, beyond what they thought humanly possible, because we keep our eyes on the prize.
Think of anyone who has achieved something impressive. Was it easy to win the Superbowl? These men started getting up at 5 am when they were 6 years old to achieve their dream in the face of great adversity. Is it easy to publish a bestseller? It's months or years of self-doubt when you've got nothing to show for your days. It's all about delayed gratification. If you keep craving that immediate gratification, you'll never get the big prize -- either a healthy D or a reconciliation.
She's not going to win this, if you separate. Yes, she had inappropriate behavior. Are you jealous? If not, then let her deal with the guilt and social consequences. Being the bigger man will play in your favor in the long run. Remember that everyone, especially your kids, are observing you. One day, they'll be adult and will revisit the whole thing, with mature minds.
I think you're driven by your sexual jealousy. I get it. I have it too. It wakes me up most morning with a pulse of 80 to think that this OM is sleeping with my W -- for me sex is very special in a relationship. Perhaps it's the same for you. Don't deny your feelings, but don't let them drive your behavior because it takes you further away from your goal every time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Parent teacher conference and school concert last night and I didn't even look at W once. I know that's not the approach I should be taking whether I want to save my M or just be effective co-parents, but I just couldn't do it. Too much anger and hurt right now after the past week's developments.
How do I process this new found anger and emotion?? I'm doing everything I can not to take it out on her, so I found it best to just avoid any interaction. It's either avoid her or fake it....
How do I process this new found anger and emotion?? I'm doing everything I can not to take it out on her, so I found it best to just avoid any interaction. It's either avoid her or fake it....
Have you considered a IC to address this? More importantly, find a IC that specializes in infidelity.
I can understand how you need to pull back to get some separation in your interactions with W. Be careful not to come across as cold, snarky or whatnot in your interactions.
Maybe I'm wrong but I've been pretty distant from STBX and have struggled with some negative emotions at time. What I've been asking myself is "if I wasn't hurt or angry, what type of relationship would I want with the mother of my children? Friends? Neighborly? Or distant?"
I'm going with distant/neighbor. Frankly I don't need her as a friend. After what she's done I just don't see her as someone I would want to be close too. I consider tearing apart a family, alcoholism, etc, as traits I can't accept. I wouldn't be friends with anyone that acted this way, not just STBX. So I can work with her as needed to Coparent, but not much more there.
Of course, DB coach tells me we're 'not there yet' meaning not to worry about what type of long term R I want just yet, so I'm trying not to be TOO cold. Not easy.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
^^^That's pretty much what I ask myself as well. If we're not working on our M (meaning W has taken the necessary steps) then why would I want to be 'friends' with her? It's difficult to imagine being friends with someone who has put me through much pain (intentional or not) while showing little remorse or accountability for their actions.
