Mozza (5)

[Mozza]

I can't recall ANY reconciliation that took less than several (9?) months. Most took over a year. More than half involved OM/OWs.

Thanks. I know I'm impatient. It wouldn't be good to be back together after only two months separated. I've a lot of work to do and I'm barely getting started. I feel a strong desire to change, I've figured out a lot of things, but I can't say that I feel like a new person, someone whom I trust would be different in the long run.

Just so I know, are you working on becoming a better, more active listener? And didn't you say you began an exercise program or you are getting in shape?

Yes, I'm exercising more and I can see the difference already. I've always been skinny, but now I'm slightly more fit (just one month into it). More importantly for me (and for her) is becoming a better listener. I'm learning to validate. I find it very instructive to have absolutely no choice but to listen and validate her. I can't grant myself any exception, so I really see its full impact. In a way, I'm happy we still have almost daily positive interactions, though she said she was hoping for that when she left, because of the kids.

But for You to say "doing nothing is easy for me -- b/c that's 'not pursuing' *** it is also more of the same old thing from you. It's exactly why YOU should Not apply the guideline of "no pursuit". Smothering her is the Opposite of Your problem.

THANK YOU! I'm glad you addressed this issue. I'm lost on this one. She just left me two months ago and she's with an OM. By all accounts, they seem to be very much in love. This suggests that I should clear out until things die out between them. In the meantime, I try to be a positive presence. I don't cause her trouble intentionally, I reply to her emails, be they about work or Kim Kardashian. I validate, I ask questions, I make her laugh. Should I go further and initiate communications? We had a good lunch 10 days ago, which she initiated. Should I extend the next invitation eventually?

First off, I didn't know how short your time line is. 2 months? Wow Mozz, you are too early to want to quit. This is a marathon, Not a sprint. Pace yourself! Don't push for so much clarity this early on, or at least get Your Own clarity first, & situational clarity will only come with TIME....[i]you'll fall apart if you don't become a lot more patient. A lot...

I'm not anywhere near quitting! Some people recommend taking one day at a time, but I admit that it gives me peace to think that this think will take months, a year, etc. It gives me space today, it puts any interaction in perspective. Still, I'm struggling to know what I'm supposed to be doing today vis-à-vis my W. For me, I know I need to GAL, work on my changes, etc. But in my interactions with her?

Thing is, even if you were not a very involved dad, your kids will always love you, AND You can develop a closer relationship with them anyhow, by spending time with them.

I'm a very involved dad. Always been doing my half, bathing, putting them to bed, and cooking half the time, etc. Also, we both traveled and left each other with the kids for a week or two at a time. It's in part why this all seems so natural to them. I've been taking care of them for years. The S has gotten us closer, especially D3 who's really cuddlier than she used to be with me. For that, I'm grateful.