Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[labug]

i don't involve my kids. its hard sometimes when they ask me questions but i always respond with positive things to say about their mother (even when its hard sometimes). i have accepted responsibility for my part (even more than my part) but it is difficult to see the kids pain that comes as a direct decision on her part. i did not choose this and i do not support this. ergo, i'm not gonnna take ownership of this, but i do not project this to them.

Of course it's hard, many things with kids are hard in some way. But that's what we do as parents. It's good that you're not involving them, my post wasn't accusatory, just stating the facts of what good parenting looks like through this. Cautionary tale, I did do some subtle back stabs and in 26 years of parenting those are the things I wish I could take back.

I went back and read your early posts and I'm curious why or how you've taken responsibility for more than your part?

Were you the sulking, brooding angry person or the explosive, violent angry person? (violent doesn't have to mean against another person, it could be throwing things, punching walls, etc)

It seems your W is probably afraid of you, that's what living with an angry spouse does. Kids living with an angry and/or depressed parent don't do well. Everyone walks on eggshells. This is mind reading but when she moved she most likely noticed the difference in her life with you and her life without you. the eggshells were gone.

It's going to take her a long time to be able to see that that angry man isn't coming back. What are you doing to show her your commitment to change, especially in regards to managing your anger?

I know you said it went away but I would need to see some concrete steps were I in her shoes. She could think this is a Mr Nice Guy act just to get her back and fears that if she lets you in just a little bit angry H will return. I would guess that might have happened once or twice in your M. And that's why her decision to leave you was the last resort. She saw no other way.

And now she's thinking "Why did it take me leaving you to get you to change? I don't want to continue in a situation where everything has to go to this extent."

I was the depressed angry person in my M so I'm speaking from my experience. I wasn't violent, I didn't yell and scream or break things. Mine was the silent but deadly type, just as destructive. My H still had feelings for me but he didn't want to because he'd had enough. He shut that part of himself off. He went so NC on me you would have thought he wrote the DB book.

He had to see real change and continued commitment to change in order to even be in the same room with me.

And it did take him leaving for me to change, really change. We had had the discussion before and I said things would change. It never lasted because I wasn't committed to it. You could say I hadn't hit bottom.

I finally saw that I was the negative force in my life, no one but me. I had to change for me, not to get my M back, but to get my life back.

Maybe this is your bottom. I hope so, because your life can be so much better.

I know you're hurting now but you have power here. The greatest power we have is, we control our lives.

What are you doing consistently to be the man you need and want to be? You had a lot of trauma in your past, how are you dealing with that?

You can do this, it's not easy but most things that are worth anything, aren't easy.

Hang in there.