You're both on the money and I couldn't agree more. I don't want to jeopardize what's left of my marriage by going on a date, nor do I ever want to hurt someone else. I get heartbreak all too well, and would never want to do that to someone else, not even a little. Like you, Goat, simple consideration and kindness is at the top of the list of who I am.
I know my pain is my own and that its something only I can deal with. Alleviating that pain has to be something that comes from me and not something I use someone else for. I echoed these sentiments to my therapist yesterday after telling her about this. It just that its very hard when it's omnipresent and never, ever seems to alleviate...even a little.
Like I mentioned, if my own feelings weren't enough to set me straight on the matter, the fact that the date turned into an absolute train wreck was certainly a sign. I'm not sure that I ascribe to guiding hands from the nether letting us know where we should be, but if there is then maybe I should heed them.
I think I needed the date. Not to make me feel better or wanted or less lonely, but to re-focus my mind and energies into what my ultimate goal is: the reconciliation of my marriage.
There's a small voice inside of me that keeps telling me my wife doesn't deserve me fighting so hard to fix our marriage. The way things went down to begin with and the way she's treated me since reinforce this voice. But then then I remind myself I had a part to play in all of this as well. I may not understand it, nor get how some of the little bit that she told me caused her to leave actually caused her to leave, but I know I have work to do on myself. I've been doing lots of that, long before she left. I wonder if she will ever notice. I hope so.
