Mozza (5)

[25yearsmlc]

I need advice. I'd have to send an email to W. Usually, it would be pretty plain, but in such a sitch... I think it's self-explanatory. It's about school pics and insurance.

Hi,

Thanks for the pic of D6. I thought I had ordered the full package, with the small and medium ones, but I might have made a mistake. Are there any left?

Also, for D3 I hadn't ordered any [she sent me tons] but I could keep a few. Do you want the rest?

For the insurance, there seems to be only 300$ available for IC. Have you used it already? [I think her sessions are covered elsewhere]

Instead of asking her something she could feel is none of your business, I suggest you just ask her if she'd mind you making the claim, and give her the receipts. In fact, maybe her use of IC is irrelevant (if they go by members), so instead of possibly being seen as prying, why not just ask if she'd let you get the claim if you bring her the receipt?


If not, would you mind putting in the claim if I bring you the receipt?

It seems to be a burdensome email full of requests and veiled criticism (you sent me the wrong pics! you'll have to deal with insurance forms for me). Is there a better way to say it or should I just drop it?


Well, yes this is a communication of a "TO DO" list that you're giving HER to do. It's not a huge "To Do" list, but I share your concern that it is one, nonetheless.

The insurance is important enough to clarify. You need to clarify it, but the way you asked her about HER IC or HER use of it, seemed weird. So drop that part but ask about the insurance/counseling sessions.

And the rest is not very important really, unless you truly need more pictures. How many more do you need? Must she actually mail them to you, b/c that'a hassle for photos. Pick your battles wisely, and don't have many battles OR REQUESTS b/c those will read as "hassles" to her.

None of these pictures and even the money are more important than R.

Great!! Problem solved....But oh, wait...Why is the NEXT sentence a reason for you to request the photos??

Either they're important enough to discuss OR not? One second You say a "normal healthy" thing, and the next sentence you seem to take it back, or backslide.

This is you "measuring" in a way. Like when you say you "own" a problem in the marriage and the next sentence you complain about your wife's flaws again, like you want to make sure we can "see" that she's more flawed than you OR you explain and defend the trait you just admitted is a flaw you are working on, only to praise yourself or it later.
And it reminded me of how you'll also say you are having success at being LESS critical...right after you cut her down again. Try to catch yourself doing it, and then it'll be easier to change. And when you replace the negative things you do NOT want to say or do, you will need to learn some new POSITIVE behaviors to replace the negatives one with...okay?

Wives sense the criticism in our h's words AND in their silence.

I'd like to have the pics for friends and family. For the insurance, we've been exchanging about it for a while -- she brought me the paperwork last week.

Some context. Today, she said she formally applied to her former boss' job. I replied "You go girl!" (in English) to which she said "Just don't call me girl - it makes me feel weird". Anyone else cringed at "You go girl!"? It seemed like a plain idiom, an encouragement. I'm not even sure why she was offended, but I didn't ask. It's possible even she doesn't know.

1) why say"cringed"? It didn't sound as if she cringed. She commented that it made her "Feel weird" probably b/c the term "girl" connotes something to her from her native tongue.

But 2) it's an idiom as YOU KNOW so, that' that.

She heard something else, b/c it's an idiom and thus carries different meaning for us than for her. I would not say she was "offended" based on her comment. And this is NOT something to spend time on. No biggie.

To me it does not sound as if She made a big deal out of it-- and even if she had, it is not a big deal. So YOU need to be clear on that and Don't make out as if it is. That just feeds the idea that you said something odd. You did not. Move on...


Her response stung,

she barely made a comment worth repeating, let alone spending this much mental energy on. No need to feel "Stung" by it. Really, let this go...


because to me it suggests that she still doesn't care one bit about me, that she'll crack the whip on me at will. No good will at all for me.

Mozza, really?

it "suggests...she STILL doesn't CARE ONE BIT" about you? SIGH

Here's a 2 x 4...LET IT GO. She said Nothing indicating that she does not care about you. This is just a huge over reaction on your part. I don't know if this is a trait of yours

or if you cannot see that the emotional state you are in again, colors your vision of the world. But the FACTS in the above scenario simple do NOT justify this type of reaction in you.

Get a grip. Don't spiral or sulk b/c you gave her a compliment and she didn't lap it up.

Just move on and speak in the language and way she is MOST LIKELY to respond to. Okay? Good....problem solved, let's move on now, shall we?

You can do this but you need to keep the big picture in mind AND the small stuff out of the way. Your world view has been tinted negatively and has colored things so much that it may well have been a factor in you guys getting here..

So change that trait, please.

No matter what SHE does or says or feels, you need to change your world view into a more positive one b/c YOU will be happier. Period.

Keep on keeping on