Hi Cadet - I do know my part in this - I think we ended up enabling each other. I tolerated crap behavior from him because I had become needy, lonely and insecure - fed by him - fed by my own demon (a dominant mother in my childhood - eg. of her handy work was - at aged 13yrs she told me "your not clever and your not pretty, what the heck are we going to do with you" nice!- so you get the picture - a handsome young guy takes interest and the promise to take me away from her - yipeeeeeeeee ....hmmmmmm) Anywhoo, I have dealt with it,forgave and let it go, feel free, actually feel love for her - and sadness as she died 14yrs ago and could really do with her now.
I have dealt with my big demon - sadly not in time for him and I am not sure it would have had any affect on the outcome anyway as he has to deal with his demons. I am working on the knock-on effect it had on me. Insecurity,confidence and learning how to use the word NO being the biggest ones. Baby steps
When we met up in October for his reconcile thought, he mentioned how much I have changed already. Pretty much the more I grow the bigger change. Baby steps
I don't think he ever imagined that I would ever be brave enough to get on a plane and move to the other side of the world, to sort out all my legal stuff (he has done nothing, I am still his next of kin and have POA for him!!), and get the whole move organised military style - not that I was useless, far from it, I just relied on him to validate what I did. The longer we are apart and the more I have to do for myself, the stronger and more confident I become - I know I can do this without him.
I realise now that I WANT him but I don't NEED him. That's a huge step forwards for me.
When he first heard i was leaving our S18 was coming with me, now he isn't my H has no spys in the camp, he will have no idea what I am up to what I am doing. It will either not bother him a bit or it will drive him crazy with wonder, either way, I intend to enjoy learning about myself, I have no idea what I want to do or what I like doing, so am open to all experiences (within reason ha ha).
I know I am still grieving - I have been in this stage before - all empowered. So I am aware that tomorrow it could change and I will be back to tears and in a mess. But today, I enjoy feeling like this and hope it lasts for a few more days and that I will revisit it soon when it does leave me.
