...we do have a number for a sex therapist...looks like i may be the one who has to make the initial call and appointment.
...I'm really frustrated with his ED and so is he, but i feel that he is still in the blaming stage...seems it's my fault when it doesn't work. I know it isn't, but in the moment, that really hurts, angers and frustrates me.
The nice thing about a board certified sex therapist is that not only are they suppose to be a concelor, but they have extra training in providing advice to people with sexual problems. It really helped in my marriage.
Since the sex therapist is also suppose to have other marriage conselor training, I would suggest asking if they have had either Emotionally Focused Therapy training (aka Sue Johnson) or Gottman training (two different approaches). I live out near Seattle and the Gottmans are considered the go to folks for therapists whose marriages are on the rocks. Sue Johnson also has a big following. They both do training for therapists and have better than typical success rates.
Oh, and you might want to ask your H if he would be more comfortable with a male or femail sex therapist. It really can make a difference to some.
Another question you might want to go over with your sex therapist is if they have any experience with sex and aging as that could also be a help. If you don't like any of their answers, you can always ask them for a recommendation of a couple of other folks they know who have some of the credentials or things you are looking for. Also in choosing ours, I asked if they had any publications I could read and the PHd therapist gave me some references to both general magazine and scholarly research articles she wrote.
You are right to recognize that his ED is not your responsibity. Unfortunately for most men, it is too hard (pun intended) for them to accept that ED is something they must deal with and accept as a change in themselves. For most guys, a pretty girl and a slight breeze are all it takes most of their life to be ready for action. When it doesn't do what it is suppose to, many guys go into full blown greaving (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).
Even though it is not your fault, you can be part of the solution by helping his ego and making him feel manly and loved.....and making whatever happens enjoyable for both.
Again, the sex therapist my W and I had suggested that sex should be playful exploration with laughing at those things that don't go just right. She told us that some folks self medicate with alcohol so they can be playful, but it is best not to. Your non-sex relationship sounds like great playing and sharing of time and intimacy. Your willingness to embrace toys is beyond what my wife could do, so you should feel really good about yourself and your willingness to make this work. That non-sex relationship activities should really help the two of you in dealing with the rest.
Good luck again, and I hope you enjoy the holiday season.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
