Things are going well. Last week was the first "difficult" week that we have had since starting this dance again. I can own the fact that I did something pretty stupid and boundary-breaking due to my own insecurities - we talked about it in MC on Sunday - and it got a bit tense. We both had some faults to own, and I think we did. We are bouncing back, and I know that I am trying to maintain perspective that there is likely no reconciliation without hiccups and someone hosing something up.....well, both people hosing things up to be honest.
XW (now GF/XW) is tackling her issues from her past and trying to R at the same time. That is no ordinary stunt to try....oh, and I dropped my antidepressants cold turkey about 2 months ago now - so I "feel" things a tad deeper now. That just adds to the mix.
Still - I believe we are traveling in a good direction....just a bad week, to be honest. This week has been much better.
How is your deal coming along? Do you guys have little "dust-ups"??
I was careful, but it was not under a doctor's guidance. Over time I had tapered from 60mg to 40mg to 20mg. I was on 20 for quite a few months and then just bailed. I was on 20 for years during the marriage. I just felt it was time to move along.
I was fortunate and did not have any serious withdrawal symptoms at all -- my IC told me that it cab feel like "lighten bolts striking across your brain" - but I had none of that at all. There was a day or two where I felt like I was fighting off the urge to cry, but that was about it. I would not recommend what I did to anyone, though -- I was just physiologically lucky I guess....the ball could have bounce in a totally different direction.
Yes, we've had dust-ups and anger and all the stuff that makes us human. On occasion I've had "What the hell was I thinking?" pop-up because it's work to have an adult R. But the good outweighs the bad by far.
The difference now is we work to solve it, not just close our eyes, insert fingers in our ears while repeating loudly "I can't hear you"
I try to approach difficult things from a place of love, not anger. It's as simple as letting the anger pass and having the discussion in the context of "this person loves me" as opposed to "what was that all about, a$$hole?" That doesn't mean we don't express anger, just in a different way.
She has a lot of stuff to wade through and it'll be a long, slow process. Eat your Wheaties everyday and continue to strengthen your emotional boundaries.(wow, that takes me back to our early days here with all the boundaries discussions we had)
You can't fix her.
Last edited by labug; 11/19/1402:47 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yeah, I can't fix her at all....I let go of that notion long before we even began speaking again. I can try to HELP her where I can, but I can't reach in and put back together anything that is/was broken or generally out of whack.
I think the challenge for us will continue to be restoration, rebuilding and the communication therein. I had IC last night and C told me that I am much farther down the path of healing and healthy relationships than XWGF is. As such my ability to communicate, take criticism lovingly, and to openly love is a bit stronger than hers. She is still wounded and try to heal...I have been in IC for over a year and lord knows the folks here are good for whipping you back into shape/line. So when she asks for "honest and open communication" I think she wants it to be 2-way, but it isn't yet. We will get there, but for now I am going to have to be patient as she works through her stuff....the relationship "stuff" that I have already tackled as well as the other stuff that is bubbling up from her past. My C said "you deserve a lot from her, but you aren't going to get it at this moment".
That is not to say that things aren't going well. We have made a lot of progress. Thankfully, I know that progress in this arena is not linear - and things will go a few different directions.
During the S S21 and I went out to dinner, just the 2 of us a couple of times a month. We got to talk a lot during those dinners and especially oont he drive to and from. Driving is a good time to talk with kids, I've learned.
When H came back in the picture, that changed and when we went out it was the 3 of us. Different dynamic.
I missed the one-to-one with S21 so last week he and I went to dinner and we decided to make it a regular thing, twice a month. During the dinner, S21 said: "Y'know Mom, when Dad comes home and is talking about things that happen at his job, you should just listen. Sometimes you try to fix things and that's not what he needs. He just needs you to listen."
So I choked back my defensive response and said, "You are absolutely right. Thanks for the reminder."
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
That doesn't mean we don't express anger, just in a different way.