Thank you, Mozza. I've kept up on your thread(s), and I know that you get it. Heck, all of us here do. STFU is the rule of the day; hard to do for a talker like me, but likely the best road to travel at the moment.
A weird update. I decided to go out on a sort of blind date. I'm not looking for a relationship or a 'booty call'; I am still very much in love with my wife and want no one else. But I do miss simple companionship and chit chat with a woman who is not a friend.
I had about a half hour drive to get there. The entire time, I felt completely guilty, like I was doing something very, very wrong. But I decided I was going to go no matter what; maybe I would make a new friend. Its been a very long time since I felt desired or in having someone have an interest in me, so that feeling would have been nice too. But I really wanted nothing more.
So, we meet up at this place for drinks and a nibble. She was not really my 'type', but shes pretty and seems nice. As we sit she says that she apologizes because she needs to leave her phone out as her 15 year old son has been up to no good. I tell her I get it as I went through a similar set of problems with my eldest daughter. By the time the drinks made it to our table, she had gotten a call from her neighbors (I really thought she may have been blowing me off) and began whipping numbers and business cards with the markings of the local Sheriffs office out of her purse (this is where I realized she wasn't blowing me off), frantically making calls over some trouble at her house concerning her son. Minutes later she apologized and left.
I've never felt so relieved in my life.
Not because there was something wrong with her (although, were I really up for dating, this would have scared me off) but because the extreme guilt I was feeling at being out with another woman was eating at me.
I like to think it was a sign from the universe that I should re-focus my energies into figuring out my marriage and doing what I can to make that work as opposed to looking for even a small bit of companionship.
