I know that I should have just held my head high and told her everything was fine and that I'd love to come and was already planning on it. I think where I struggle is where she asks me these questions that make me the one responsible for our new arrangement, as if I'm the one who has thrown the wrinkles in our plans. It hits me with a double edge of hurt and confusion, and it's really hard for me to absorb without showing emotion.
The root of it is that I don't know what I want, besides my W back. I haven't truly gotten to the place where I don't care what she does. I don't know how people get to that place.
I shouldn't want to be with a person who treats me this way. And yet I still cling to her.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Thanks mozza. I've read the books and I understand the principles, and I do feel like Ive accomplished something on this path. But my feelings just fight through. And I guess I am still to hesitant to take more control here. She's made her decision but done nothing to make a new situation for herself, so I have to do it. And our kids are just stuck in the middle. I need to make a new life for us and it feels like that means just giving up on her, but my heart won't let me.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Done a bit of thinking since W asked me about Thanksgiving on Sunday. I think I'm going to tell her I dont wish to go to her dad and stepmom's for the day. I'll plan something to do with the kids in the morning and then they can go.
I feel torn, but I have to start creating space for myself if there is going to be any true movement and change in our sitch. The dilemma here is, her family lives nearby, mine are a 1000 miles away. If it were the other way around, then obviously there would not be a question of my WAW, in an A with OM, coming to thanksgiving dinner with my family. She would have to ask and I would have to decide, and my family would of course have to want her to come. But in my sitch, I'm stuck with the decision, and again I feel the silent pressure to act as if things are normal for the sake of my kids and her family. (I could be reading this wrong, and maybe W doesnt even really care if I come, but I sensed from her question that she hoped I would.)
Ive come to suspect that my W, consciously or not, expects me to be the "good guy" at every chance, and is taking advantage of this. As Ive documented many times on these threads, I feel torn between being this good guy, and doing whats right for my kids, even when it means enabling W to continue with her status quo. For instance, after BD, I could have moved out, or agreed to spending half of my time out of the house. This would have brought the reality home to her much quicker, that I would not be around at times that she needed me, that the care of the kids would be entirely up to her, during the times when I was out. But I didnt do that. I stuck to the house, have never spent a night out of it (save two times very early after BD), and have looked after everything, whether she has been there or not.
I see the holidays as another example of this. Where she probably expects that I will act totally normal so that she doesnt have to explain anything to anyone in her family, or face any questions from them, and so that the kids dont suspect anything. She still insists on not telling the kids anything until a plan is in place (which 4 months on is still nowhere in sight).
Her dad and stepmom will be at the dinner. Her sister and sister's H will be there. Her grandmother (who certainly has no idea about any of this, and will probably wonder where I am) will be there. Her mom might even be there (she usually stops by briefly for dinner). It honestly feels ridiculous at this point that I would go spend a day interacting with all of these people as if everything was fine. So I'm going to tell my W that. Hopefully I can stay strong and firm while telling her.
Last edited by 1foot2; 11/18/1406:17 PM.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Im gonna head to the gym after work today and reread some DR. I feel myself slipping lately. PMA is down, my interactions with W are wavering big time.
Maybe its the cold coming in. I dunno. This just really s***s lately.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Gym is a good idea. I find that working out is one of the only times I can truly stop thinking about W and clear my mind. Needless to say I have been working out a lot lately b/c of that reason. Chin up. There are good days and bad. We are all feel the same way, so we are in this together
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Thanks Zed. I would work out every day if I could reasonably fit it in my schedule but most days are totally hectic.
Sandi: I havent heard anything. Cant tell if Im tricking myself into seeing a change in her figure. I did find a pregnancy test on a receipt from about 2 weeks ago, which would coincide with when I saw her looking up due dates. She definitely hasnt had a period in a long time, but of course I cant remember exactly when. Even separated, Im generally aware when she is having it, and its been at least 2 months.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
One bright spot (kinda): last night I had a long phone convo with my good friend (the one who stopped through for a brief visit a month ago). He said he had gotten into a big fight with his partner when he got back from his trip, and that they had discussed separating (they have a three year old). I gave him a ton of advice about validating, listening with empathy, and identifying where he had come up short in vocalizing his emotional needs to his GF, which had led to resentment and anger. He took my advice to heart, and today he texted me that they are working things out, and that my advice had really helped.
Im really starting to think that even if my M fails, I will go become a counselor. Even my IC told me that she has learned concepts from me! She is still a student (the only reason I can afford an IC), but still. She told me I should consider it.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Yeah. Strangely, it isnt affecting me too much? But maybe its just so far beyond the pale that my mind cant process it. Im more hurt by seeing her post on FB about movies that we should have seen together.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
