Thanks for the encouragement, G. We stumbled a bit last week and are still trying to find our footing, but we're both still working hard.
The stumbling block that we keep coming back to is this:
1. H does or says something GOOD that is contrary to something he said or did during the past year. (For example, H agrees to forgive me for some minor transgression.)
2. I accept and appreciate the change but then start to worry that I'm just being placated (because that's what H did right before he left).
3. I reach out for explicit confirmation or reaffirmation that what I'm seeing or hearing is real. H either plays along for a while OR immediately pushes back. Either way, it ends up blowing up in my face.
Now, when I explained this to H last night, he said, "Then why do you keep sabotaging us?" My response was honest -- (1) I don't know how to build trust without seeking the reaffirmation, and (2) I feel blamed by his perspective, because I don't think he's fully accepted his role in the interaction when he says that I'm the one doing the "sabotaging."
H has never apologized to me for lying before he left. I mean, he's said that he was sorry for hurting my feelings, but that he didn't know another way so he doesn't regret it and can't promise* that he won't do it again. I think I need him to accept wrongdoing in order to move forward. I mean, how do we re-build a marriage when one spouse thinks it's okay to lie about Big Stuff if he sees no other options.
I told H last night that I can't see us reconciling without that piece. H said that we could talk about it at MC on Thursday. In the meantime, do you think I am asking too much?
(*H has a really high standard for promises and won't make one at all unless he's absolutely certain he'll be able to keep it.)
