Do I walk away from WAW? (3)

[1foot2]

Done a bit of thinking since W asked me about Thanksgiving on Sunday. I think I'm going to tell her I dont wish to go to her dad and stepmom's for the day. I'll plan something to do with the kids in the morning and then they can go.

I feel torn, but I have to start creating space for myself if there is going to be any true movement and change in our sitch. The dilemma here is, her family lives nearby, mine are a 1000 miles away. If it were the other way around, then obviously there would not be a question of my WAW, in an A with OM, coming to thanksgiving dinner with my family. She would have to ask and I would have to decide, and my family would of course have to want her to come. But in my sitch, I'm stuck with the decision, and again I feel the silent pressure to act as if things are normal for the sake of my kids and her family. (I could be reading this wrong, and maybe W doesnt even really care if I come, but I sensed from her question that she hoped I would.)

Ive come to suspect that my W, consciously or not, expects me to be the "good guy" at every chance, and is taking advantage of this. As Ive documented many times on these threads, I feel torn between being this good guy, and doing whats right for my kids, even when it means enabling W to continue with her status quo. For instance, after BD, I could have moved out, or agreed to spending half of my time out of the house. This would have brought the reality home to her much quicker, that I would not be around at times that she needed me, that the care of the kids would be entirely up to her, during the times when I was out. But I didnt do that. I stuck to the house, have never spent a night out of it (save two times very early after BD), and have looked after everything, whether she has been there or not.

I see the holidays as another example of this. Where she probably expects that I will act totally normal so that she doesnt have to explain anything to anyone in her family, or face any questions from them, and so that the kids dont suspect anything. She still insists on not telling the kids anything until a plan is in place (which 4 months on is still nowhere in sight).

Her dad and stepmom will be at the dinner. Her sister and sister's H will be there. Her grandmother (who certainly has no idea about any of this, and will probably wonder where I am) will be there. Her mom might even be there (she usually stops by briefly for dinner). It honestly feels ridiculous at this point that I would go spend a day interacting with all of these people as if everything was fine. So I'm going to tell my W that. Hopefully I can stay strong and firm while telling her.