Here's the thing about the idea of 'doing what works'...it suggests that you can somehow control the outcome. You can't. Your H may never come back, open the door, or come around. 'Doing what works' is about maximizing those possibilities, but you can't control another person.
Forgot to respond to this point. Actually I don't think I'm operating out of a desire to control my H. To my mind there is a difference between trying to control and trying to influence. I think everyone here is hoping to positively influence the outcome through their actions - PMA, 180s, NC etc. At the very least, they are trying not to negatively influence the outcome. I absolutely did try to control things in our R. That much is clear. Part of this journey for me has been about learning to see H as an independent person who makes decisions based on his needs and wants. I liked the boat analogy in Passionate Marriage. It's an illusion that we are in the same boat as our spouse. More accurately, we're in two separate boats and paddling in the same direction when things are going well. When things are not going well...well you all know what happens. Sometimes we try to steer the other persons boat (control). Part of DBing is - to my mind - about creating conditions where the current is flowing in your direction giving the greatest chance that your spouse will drift on back to your boat (influence).
Lisa - I'll respond to your posts next. For now, it's bed time in the southern hemisphere.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
