I am happy for the positive turn this relationship is taking.
My prayers are with you
No 2 X 4's from me either.
A few things come to mind...
First....Listen very, very, closely to what Starsky and Train are saying to you now. This is hard-won advice. There is a delicate balance between making the road home smooth, and not pursuing false reconciliation.
At this time you have the most leverage. Meaning, the honeymoon phase of coming back together is short-lived and a few months down the line when you will need to more clarity from your wife, she may be too exhausted to provide it for you.
There are plenty of excellent articles on what REAL reconciliation looks like. I can't point you to any because of board policies, but the basic point is that now is the time for your wife to work HARDER than you have been. Real reconciliation and remorse for an affair leads to: transparency, HONESTY, and a willingness to bend over backwards and repeat the same story to the cheated-on spouse as many times as they need to hear it. Real reconciliation books the marriage counselor appointment without being asked by the betrayed spouse. Real reconciliation tell all the gory details so that the betrayed spouse can make sense of their pain. n
You said that you don't need your wife to admit she had a PA with the OM. Really? I appreciate you seemingly being "bigger" than your wife on this one, but in the end this will bite you in the rear end. She can have an affair, lie about it and purse REAL reconciliation with you?
You said...
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How truthful has she been? Pretty truthful although she still insists that her A with the OM was an EA and not a PA. Ironically, she said that the EA is far worse since for women it is all about the emotional connection anyway.
Can you accept her lying about it to your face? This behavior is called Gaslighting. This is not a sign of true, full reconciliation yet. I think it's something you need to talk about with your marriage counselor. Can you trust someone who is lying to you? In some cultures, people are allowed to lie in order to save face. Sort of, "We both know your lying, so I'm going to pretend to believe your lie so we can maintain this relationship".
It seems what turned your wife around are your changes. That's really amazing work on your part. Well done. She has chosen the better option - you. But is your continued good behavior all that will keep her in the marriage? This means you can't really backslide or slip-up. This may turn into situation where there's no grace for you in this marriage. It's all law-keeping on your part to appease the goddess. What if you slip up? What if you do something to annoy her? The question is, will she eventually dig deep and realize that adultery and lying about it to your husband are not productive ways to handle your marriage problems?
I don't think any of this happens overnight or quickly, but I think you might want to consider maintaining some healthy boundaries and think through what your piecing looks like.
I also want to say you have worked very hard for this and I'm really happy for the turn-around in your wife.
