SS, small steps, big ones, backward ones, all count...as long as you are moving.
ok, well as long as backwards steps count, I'm good. I do hate staying still though.
You need to live your life as if you have heard and accept that your h doesnt want to be married at this time. That thought helped me figure out how to act.
No more complaining and putting this off! Living as if I have heard and am starting to accept (after three whole months) that my H doesn't want to be married to me at this time means that I need to get busy living. I need to start having fun, not waiting to include him in the fun with my D, create traditions between D and me, work through my muck with no excuses and remember that my marriage is up on a shelf somewhere. That's also where I need to put H. Up and away.
This also means to me that I'm not actively cultivating a friendship with H. Coparents is the extent of our relationship right now and I'm happy with that. I won't let it be awkward because that's him having more of me than I'm willing to give. I don't like being uncomfortable so I won't put myself in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I will choose my words wisely and ask for time to compose them so there is little room to perceive them as anything other than respectful, honorable and genuine.
I will take care of myself emotionally and physically (like snaking my own drains) without disdain that he is not here to help me pick up the pieces of me he left behind.
These are my first steps.
What do you think uR?
It meant that I had to learn to rely on me. I hung shelves, did dry wall, fixed toilets. I learned more about finances. I would not call him or ask him to do anything. And I did it, SS.
That also means that he has to live with what he has decided. That includes no longer just comimg over. Sorry, but, he cant have it both ways.
I sense that you are a little afraid to set that boundary. What is that fear about?
I am notorious for not phrasing things well. My word choice and often my tone of voice comes across as condescending, controlling and punitive. My fear to set that boundary is 50% my delivery and how it's received which i can completely work on and practice. The other 50% of my fear is that I feel like it pushes him further away. I know it's what is necessary but the idea that he stops by makes me feel like he's actually trying to see me... but perhaps that's wishful thinking and I've had enough of wishes lately.
It will be better for your daughter to know what is happening, too, when she knows he is seeing her and for how long. Children need that structure.
This is very true. My daughter especially. H isn't a man of consistency or schedules. He doesn't like being told what to do or being fenced in. It's a wonder we actually have a visitation schedule at all because he is SO not a schedule guy.
Yea, I get the manipulation. I also know that the anger keeps you stuck. It keeps you in the bad moments. It stops you from moving forward with your life because you can hold onto it and use it as an excuse.
And it has definitely been an excuse for long enough. I'm taking a big step forward, even with the anger in my chest but I know as I walk I'll let it go. Right now, I'm choosing to begin to work through it and ACCEPT it. It'll take time but standing still being angry only makes me more angry and adds to my feeling of hopelessness.
I will tell you that once you let the anger go and once you start doing things for yourself without asking him for help or running things by him, you will start to feel more in control.
The truth is, I already feel very in control of my own life. I just wish he were in it. That he wanted to be in it. However, I can only control ME. I think I'd like to start with genuinely learning how to control my emotions. This is a HUGE weak spot for me. I've always been controlled by my emotions and have been known to outburst or fly off the handle (hello, reactive?). I need to focus on controlling my emotions rather than them controlling me. I am NOT what I feel.
This is your life, S. Start living it. Leave him to whatever it is he is doing. Not your problem right now.
In a strange way this is a relief. When he's around things are SO complicated. I like simple. Occam's razor all the way; though I'm not sure Occam's razor applies to self exploration. huh.
You can do this. Get good and strong. What an amazing opportunity for your daughter to see that. She is watching. Trust me on that.
I can. I just have to start walking without knowing where I'm going for a second... then I'll see the horizon, I think.
I know my daughter is watching but I'll tell ya, I'm not sure she likes what she sees. She spent Saturday drawing pictures of her two karate senseis with "You're my HERO" written above it. She also made one for H. It's so sweet. I wish I could have one, too, though.
He can only be as manipulative as you allow him to be. Dont allow it.
You're right. I just don't see the manipulation until I've already complied with whatever he wants and I'm resentful about it. I need to stop bending over backwards and gently putting my foot down. This will come with time, too.