You can change. Your life can be different and better. I think I've told you I was so far in a hole, with so many dysfunctional defense mechanisms I thought I would never crawl out.
But I did, I'm even thinking of putting my therapist on an as needed basis.
I definitely have a ton of dysfunctional defense mechanisms, many I can't even recognize myself and need YOU to point them out. I do worry that I'll never crawl out. That I'll be an 82 year old bitter woman shaking my fist and yelling at kids to get off my lawn and to take those hover boards somewhere else because I'm still bitter at my long since disappeared xh.
The concept of crawling out almost makes me want to fold into a fetal position and take a long nap. There's just so much... baggage... and blech.
I know that the process doesn't have to always be painful, I'm sure there's catharsis in a lot of it and that part I am excited to face head on. Wading through the muck to get to the catharsis, while totally worth it, isn't easy (I imagine).
I want to be that strong person though. The one who faces all the demons in the closet with only a little fear and the understanding that ALL will be better for having done it. My struggle and hesitation is that picking old wounds makes me feel vulnerable emotionally and physically. Like if the wind blows too hard it'll sting my heart because it's so raw from the healed scab that has been protecting it for so long and how do I heal it again?
I don't imagine wading through that muck can be a "fake it till you make it" kind of task and I keep waiting for the feeling of "Ok, I got this, I'm not superwoman but I'm almost her so let's do this" to take over... and I'm getting the sneaking suspicion I'm deluding myself into procrastination.
OMG, did I just type that out? I think that's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm waiting for Nirvana to appear (see Zeus' post above) BEFORE I tackle the ugly stuff. Well, that's hilarious. It doesn't work that way does it?
Ok, well, I'm glad I figured that out right here and now right before your very eyes.
I'm putting my spelunking hat on because I need to get buzy!
