Ss- as hard as it is to remember, sometimes it does just take time. I know I am very smart/analytical too, and I tend default to a tendency of trying to think my way out o the situation. Like ill 'solve' it by coming up with the right perspective that allows me to find Nirvana. The reality is we can't run from out feelings and there wi be a lot of pain from a loss so monumental.
That doesn't mean there's not value in everything we do. I'd like to think we'll learn more from our mistakes, process it more quickly, avoid responding to our emotions poorly, etc, etc. So I'm glad to see you doing all these things. But there is no way to fix it today where it doesn't hurt and you'd be inhuman if you could.
Oh man, you nailed it. I am definitely looking for the right perspective that will open the gates to Nirvana. Are you in my head?
How does one turn off their nature to analyze and think? Isn't this about accepting who I am and fixing things about myself I don't like? I like the analytical part of me... but I guess that's not the point. The point is that certain things help in this situation and certain things don't.
So far, hoping for the right perspective to open the gates to Nirvana hasn't worked. Huh.
And there's no way to fix it today where it doesn't hurt?
Are you sure? What about tomorrow?
I'm so short sighted and unable to sit in the discomfort. It's actually one of the biggest surprise for me in all of this... that I can't seem to find my footing and walk without limping or without resting after two or three steps and then having to look at the map again which leads me to wonder why I'm even on this journey.
We call that denial. Yes, I'll admit it. I was on my way to work this morning and a song came on that made me drift off into a daydream of our vow renewal ceremony and how amazing it would be and how we'd be so strong and committed... and happy. Deep down I thought, "Oh this is totally happening" and only NOW, hours and hours later am I able to come down from that ridiculous cloud and say, "meh, it's unlikely, sister".
Because I can't believe he'd be that much of a fool. Even with the little work I've done, he's a fool.
and here I am talking about him again. Sheesh.
Quote:
desperately seeking balance is about as far from being balanced as you can be. But truly accepting that you're just plain out of balance, that is actually very close to the balance we were seeking for before.
This is profound, Zeus. Let me say it loudly and clearly:
I am just plain out of balance.
There I said it. And it's true. Very.
True and genuine acceptance is a problem for me. I need a step by step workbook on that, too.
I'm a smart woman but man, I can't seem to wrap my head around half of this stuff on my own. I can barely stand up without someone else telling me exactly how to do it.
