Doing the limbo thing (thread 7)

[Train]

Dang, Sho.

I know how hard it is, but I'm totally in agreement with Starsky and Drew here. And I'm saying that as a person who is seven months into the (sometimes unbearably) hard work of "piecing."

In the beginning stages of piecing, in my own experience anyway, we just feel so happy we are getting *anywhere* with with our WAS. Their "crumbs" feel pretty good. And we're willing to settle for those scraps.

But those great feelings of having our spouses back are actually quite (and quickly) fleeting. My H and I were just in another argument last night ... and the night before ... about the A. 7 months later.

As LBSs during "DBing/A-busting," we learn to put our own needs on the back-burner, I think. We learn to be more validating, more understanding, more forgiving. But we are, after all, only HUMAN. We hurt. We need answers. Some of us need more (or fewer) than others. I, like you, didn't feel I needed answers. But all of a sudden, 7 months later (quickly approaching our anti-versary, which was five days before BD), I feel I need a few answers every now and again. And H - who was very forthcoming with information in the beginning - is now wanting us to "just move on." I sent him some articles last night; wish I could tell you the website, but I see these days that isn't accepted here. H texted me this morning, admitting that every time I bring the A up now, it feels I'm "pulling the rug off of everything he keeps trying to sweep under it."

It's painful. It's BRUTAL. For BOTH of us.

But I've never known - or read of - a relationship that successfully reconciles until and unless the offending partner fully admits his/her wrongdoings and fully commits to honestly and openly answering questions about the A for as long as the offended partner needs to ask them.

This isn't about punishment. It's about us TRYING to figure out what went wrong and led to the A. It's about us NOT being treated like "ignorant" children - or mushrooms (kept in the dark and fed sh!t) - by our spouses who cheated on us.

We DESERVE to have answers to our questions. You've worked hard for those answers. You've stayed true. You've stayed loyal. You have WORKED for your W and for your M. You deserve to get what you want now. You deserve to get what you NEED to move forward. Period.

Don't sell yourself short. Don't accept less than what you need now. If you do? It will come back to you in a few months ... or a few years.

Do the hard work NOW. And your W should be willing to work even harder than YOU. THAT is the very.first.sign of a successful reconciliation-in-the-making.