BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Starsky309]

Bunches, I know this goes without saying, but PLEASE don't agree to anything without first running it by your attorney.


Starsky

[Bunches]

;)Absolutely Starsky, I of course told her I was writting down her list and would talk to the lawyer first. I said we could meet up possibly late this week to follow up on details and discuss.

There was one more weird thing she asked for but I didn't even write it down because I told her I didn't think that would work. She wanted to alternate years we each claimed S on our taxes. I was kind of dumbfounded by that one. I said I was pretty sure that was a residency thing and he was claimed by the person he lived with for any given year.

I have a friend at work I talked to about this too. She suggested I allow W to stay at our new home in NC when she visits to save on costs as W wants to withold those from support. I don't know that I even want to launch that idea until I feel like its something to be comfortable with.

W did a lot of emotional unloading last night that is still unwinding in my mind. She told me that she wasn't happy with her life and that she didn't feel good about who she was. She felt like I should know that she doesn't just sit around feeling good about who she is now. That she has done some bad things and knows they weren't right. I didn't know what to do with that one but say I'm sorry you're not happy with your life and move on with the conversation. Was that cold?

[Sotto]

Hi Bunches, I don't think it was cold to say that, if you said it in a caring way. You were empathising when you said you were sorry she isn't happy with her life.

Yes, you could have gone further - you could have said - I'm so sorry you feel that way. I want you to be happy in your life. I also want to be happy..etc

I guess ultimately, only she can make the decisions she needs to about her life and find the happiness she seeks..

[Starsky309]

The every-other-year claiming dependent on your taxes thing is pretty common.

[twinmom]

Starsky, isn't the every other year tax thing mostly for those that have more shared custody?

[Starsky309]

I've seen it done in all sorts of instances. It's pretty typical for it to be one of the financial "assets" on the table for negotiation, although I suppose you're right that the IRS itself has strict rules about the # of overnights, etc., someone has to live with you in order to be claimed as a dependent.

Starsky

[Bunches]

Luckily when I questioned that one she said right away that she wasn't too attached to that one. My guess is L must have suggested that and the other financial discount ideas. W isn't typical to worry about making money work and is comfortable with living paycheck to paycheck so it didn't sound like her anyways.

Loosing focus today so far. I keep thinking back to how much W lost it while working out details for the move. Talking about how she wasn't happy but still saying she would allow this because it was best for S while crying the whole time. I don't understand how during this whole time it couldn't have occurred to her that the family staying together would have been best for S and she robbed him of that. Makes me so mad sometimes. Gotta get back on the PMA somehow. 'I am' worth the work and she is too busy pitying herself to kick it in the *ss and try.

New life here I come!

[Bunches]

So I didn't realize I was going into a zone of crazy agitated W.

I'm at work just getting things done and this text conversation from W asking for all the info on where we were going to live after the move, what school, what daycare, etc. I tried to let her know that wasn't all settled yet. I only got a solid offer on Friday for the job and needed to be sure we weren't going to have a problem first. She sent me this huge text saying she was trying to make the best decision she could and needed all the facts. I tried to explain I was just trying to get the agreement in place before setting plans that I would need to count on and trying to re assure her that she would be part of the process and given all info to help make decisions about schooling as it is fair.

That's where I'm pretty sure I lost her. I got this reply:
"You don't seem to understand what you are asking of me. You come to me wanting my cooperation to basically take our son away from me and everything he knows. You may have been primary care taker for the last year, but I was for the previous 5. I carried him for 9 months, I've jumped at the chance to spend as much time with him as possible through all of this and help you in any way I can. Yes, I have been less than perfect and made some mistakes, but me needing to make a decision like this especially in a time sensitive manner is not simple. I'm trying to work through emotions and still set that aside so I can do what's best. You are thinking about you and S, I am thinking about me and S."

After that she yelled at me on the phone for a bit while I tried to calmly explain the expectation I had for moving forward here. I don't know what else I can do here. I'm so tempted to just file uncontested and try for a custody order. She makes me so crazy...like this is my fault we are where we are.

[Starsky309]

"I hear you that you're frustrated. I know this is very difficult on all of us."

Validate.

[Bunches]

You are right. W wanted to talk later on the phone after S went to bed. I asked her if she wouldn't feel better dropping by at S bedtime so we could talk it over face to face. She jumped at the chance and thanked me for asking. It sounds like I'm making dinner for 3 now.

I will stick to what I already know about the situation and remember to "think about" anything new that comes up before getting back to her. I will look over my validation list again before then.

Thanks Starsky. Sorry by the way for not being a good listener for several months. I know I've really sucked at DB for most of the last year.