The Goddess and GUBU: Square Dancing at the Triple GGG Ranch

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Matt, for supporting me here!

What you said:
"I really think that even if they start to see the LBS for who they really are, they have to start to realize that we really weren't the evil people they saw us as but also if that is the case, they had no "reason" to do the things they did! First they have to start to understand that we really aren't horrible, then they have to come to terms with what they did and the pain that they caused the LBS. I think that's why so many just aren't able to do it."

I think this is very true. Although over the last few years, he has tried to demonize me on so many levels, I think it's pretty clear to him at this point that I am nothing like he tried to convince himself I might be.
And this I think adds to his guilt and confusion.
Because if I really AM a sweet, loving person, who was a good (though not perfect) wife, who is cute and funny and all the rest---then what does that make HIM?

In order to be a "Nice Guy" and still cheat on his wife, he had to find a workaround.
And that meant he convinced himself that I deserved his treatment for not being Fill-In-The-Blank.
That I had fallen short in "making" him "happy".

That it was ME who contributed to his self-described feeling of being "disconnected" from me, rather than it being he who ignored me, diminished me, turned away from me, and ultimately began what was an unhealthy, obsessive relationship with absolutely the wrong person, one who he essentially used to fuel his own "feel good" chemicals, and one with whom he knew it would never be anything but just that.

That in the pursuit of his own pleasure, he almost lost his job, destroyed her family, gave her a serious STD, and, I recently discovered while deleting old emails from him, he allowed her to believe he was leaving me for her, although he never had any intention of doing so.

He treated her almost as callously as he did me, but my sympathy is limited since it was her choice, and a "choice" is something I never had.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The "fun and free" life he thought he was going to have didn't work out.
He see's you as the fun, sexy, talented person you are. How you are even better than you were before he bombed you."

That's an understatement, Matt! He's living in a friend's guest room, has no privacy, is a pariah in his own home, his wife doesn't trust him, he made some huge mistakes, his friends are out of his life, he has lost self-respect, and possibly some of the most important things in his life.
He sees me making the most of my situation, and even blossoming. This bothers him. I know it does.

The endless parade of p*ssy that Ho-worker deluded him into thinking was out there for his enjoyment has not materialized. She was a FLUKE.

She was only attracted to him because he was her Boss, the "BIG BOSS", who allowed her to believe he had deep pockets and a spiteful shrew at home, who convinced her she was special because he wanted to get into her pants and play out his more kinky fantasies (while convincing himself he was doing HER a favor by sharing his private parts with her).

He led her to believe he was going to leave me for her, that she could just have MY LIFE, rolling in the dough (that doesn't exist, it was all a sham he put on with her, we're in debt big time!), that she was going to live the Good Life with "Mr. Wonderful", the poor, misunderstood fellow who was trapped in a loveless marriage with an aging hag.

She was attracted to what he represented, because she had major issues of her own; she had been molested by a similar looking man his own age as a young girl, WHICH HE KNEW, but he took advantage of her vulnerability anyway for his own satisfaction... well, it was all lies. Lies to her, lies to me.

And he's alone.
More alone than he ever wanted to be.
Turns out the fact that he was MARRIED was a turn-on to types like his HWW. Me being his wife gave him value. He was tried and proven. Now he's just another creeper.
As a single senior without his own place, a wife he's going to be paying through the nose for in terms of alimony, and a job that could go south any day, well, he's hardly a catch these days.
The money-bags cache that he tries to pull off with people is a lie. He can't retire, he'll go broke. He's going to get reamed in a divorce. He's got nothing to offer financially, or any other way, to tell the truth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

]"Now he has to realize how wrong he was."

I actually believe he is starting to see this. But doesn't know what to do about it. Because he doesn't want to appear "weak", so he can't admit what a huge mistake he's made.
As if it would seem "stronger" to continue down a path that leads nowhere rather than turn back.

"He has to understand that he was projecting feelings onto you that you didn't "cause" and he has to realize and make up for all the pain that he caused. At the same time he has to come to terms with the fact that he can't have the life he imagined he would have without you to "hold him back".

I think that "making up for all the pain he caused" is a major stumbling block for him. I have tried to give the impression that I don't expect a giant leap of any kind, that things take time, but I think it's very overwhelming to him.

"You are not alone in the looking back and realizing all that you "put up" with over the years. The realization that you may have sacrificed much more than you thought at the time."

I have. I compensated very much for what I was not getting from him. I made myself "happy". I allowed him to distance, thinking that was what he wanted. Maybe he wanted me to pursue him, so he could feel more loved while he turned away from me. I don't know.
That's an unhealthy dynamic I am not interested in, with him or anyone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So today, it's same old, same old.

But now that I am pretty well detached and disinterested, I am curious to see how this affects his progress.

MIND-READING ALERT!
I think I can say that these days, it's pretty clear to him that I am now out of his league. I think this is another barrier to him for R. I'm so much better than I was, and he is a shadow of his former self.

I don't think he feels confident about what he has to offer me, or someone like me.
I think he thinks I'm too good for/too much for him. That I have "demands" and "requirements". And I do.
That he would be happier with someone less confident, more submissive, and who puts him on a pedestal. Enter HWW.... that's very much what that was about. Perhaps he would be happier with a R like that. Maybe that's just what he needs and all these years he was trying to live up to what I wanted from him and he's just too tired to try any more.

That could be true.

Yet I refuse to diminish myself to make him feel better.
I did that in Jr. High when I was still "too smart" and kids really started to make fun of me in a worse way than ever.
I changed myself. I stopped getting A+ on tests, quit doing my homework, acted more "stupid". I dressed more slutty, took up smoking. Cut classes.

This escalated to hanging out with losers and deliberately giving the impression that I was dumber and more reckless than I actually was.
I am very lucky that it didn't go further than it did, that I didn't end up in real trouble.

I think the reason why that didn't happen was that deep down, I was a pretty good kid.

Looking back, it wasn't worth it, just to be "cool" and have "friends" and have some boy like me.

And I'm not going to do that again to make someone else happy.

H is either going to rise to the challenge, or not.

Time will tell.

---(G)GGG