Claire #10 -- Still DBing, I think

[claire7]

And some more thinking I'm trying to process and move past: H asked me to give him some possible dates for the next mediation session. I did, and also asked him to give me some financial info when he has time.

He responded in a very polite, detached way (we have to ask the accountant, blah blah). It brought me to a very angry place. Dismantling our marriage will take a lot of effort, time and money. I am forced to do these tasks even though I don't want to. But the same time, effort and money could be used to rebuild our marriage instead. I'd be willing to work so hard at that.

I don't know how to do this mediation-- to trust him-- when he is not a man of his word.

As I let go and lose hope and interest in the M, I'm finding it harder and harder to stop myself from confronting him. But now that I read that, i realize that if I WAS detached, and did let go, moving forward with a separation plan wouldn't bother me.

So, now I'll pray that I'm able to let go and have clarity about what I want from this separation/divorce. I'm going to broach the idea of a neutral financial planner to help both of us figure out how to divide things equitably. He's probably going to resist. If so, I'm going to ask him his concern so as not to mindread, and then validate and tell it is what I need to feel secure and satisfied with our agreement.

I'm wondering what I'll say to him if he confronts me and gets defensive if it seems like I don't trust him. The truth is, I don't.

This whole situation takes so much more strength than I ever imagined. To put all the pain and feelings of betrayal aside and sit through mediation calmly with someone who has treated me this way? Not for wusses.

[claire7]

Quick update: At the end of my last email, in a moment of weakness, I guess, I wrote: while this is not the route I would choose, I won't stand in the way of your choice. I know I will be happy regardless.

His response: he didn't resist the idea of a financial planner and was said, "thanks for thinking all of this through".

Labug, 25years: did you both get to a separation agreement? I guess I should read up on your threads if they are available.

My heart is beating out of my chest today thinking about these next steps. I keep trying to take deep breaths and calm down but everything feels so tight.

[Maybell]

Just to relieve your anxiety, yes, 25 did have a separation agreement because her H wanted to sell the house to make an investment she opposed. I'll let her tell her own story.

I want to remind you, too, that people get remarried even after a full on divorce. It has happened in my own extended family, and is in process on these boards (Crimson in piecing). It sounds impossible (and wasteful) to me, but apparently something like 20%? Of divorced couples remarry one another after the divorce is final. That's a better likelihood than a successful marriage between affair partners.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'll send some extra prayers your way. hugs.

[Mozza]

From reading success stories on these boards, there often seems to be a moment where the WAS is really set free and the LBS let go. My latest list is here.

[zew]

It brought me to a very angry place. Dismantling our marriage will take a lot of effort, time and money. I am forced to do these tasks even though I don't want to. But the same time, effort and money could be used to rebuild our marriage instead. I'd be willing to work so hard at that.

Yep, we all face that same problem. I said as much to my W - "we can spend money destructively on lawyers or we can spend money constructively on MC." Keep in mind that they are running from a problem that they believe was too big to solve, and that we let them down, so logic and your new found willingness isn't an easy sale to them.

As I let go and lose hope and interest in the M, I'm finding it harder and harder to stop myself from confronting him. But now that I read that, i realize that if I WAS detached, and did let go, moving forward with a separation plan wouldn't bother me.

I think the thing to realize is this:
If you get back together, there will be a lot of hard work, and you should be happier a year down the road.
If you don't get back together, there will be a lot of hard work, and you should be happier a year down the road.

Realize that you don't get to make the call. You can only preclude the first choice, or force the second choice.

Realize that with either path, there is hard work and happiness for you. Concentrate on the happiness part, and realize that you shouldn't and don't need your H to make that happen. Anger and resentment do not lead to happiness, so ditch them. My W has shown me first hand where anger and resentment lead, and it is not a happy place. You may find it helpful to think of H as ill. It's hard to be angry with someone who is ill -- whatever it takes to get you in a state of mind that keeps your focus on you and your wellbeing. If H comes around and follows, that is upside; there is no reason to give up hope. But H can't follow if you don't lead.

-zew

[T384]

Claire

We all have our ups and downs and you know I had a lot more downs than anything but I really think once you get past this stage you will feel better. For me I got to the point like you had mentioned recently where I just wanted a schedule and money figured out. I felt like I couldn't move forward because I was in limbo wondering what H was doing. I was ready to have some consistency.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will come out the other side happier and a better Person than you could have imagined.. With or without your H. You deserve to be happy and be with someone that will fight for your M too. If your H can't do that then he is doing you a favor in the long run.

Get out and do something.. Go out with your girlfriends. Have some laughs!

[Georgiabelle]

Claire,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I can sense your pain and frustration and I'm sending you a hug. You should be very pleased with how very far YOU have come.

Hang in there:-)

[labug]

Quick update: At the end of my last email, in a moment of weakness, I guess, I wrote: while this is not the route I would choose, I won't stand in the way of your choice. I know I will be happy regardless.

His response: he didn't resist the idea of a financial planner and was said, "thanks for thinking all of this through".

Labug, 25years: did you both get to a separation agreement? I guess I should read up on your threads if they are available.

My heart is beating out of my chest today thinking about these next steps. I keep trying to take deep breaths and calm down but everything feels so tight.

I didn't but should have, it would have saved me a lot of worry.

[labug]

Thanks labug. I spoke with a colleague at lunch about this and left feeling more at ease. I will pursue some baking classes... I want to be "known" for something (not in a world famous kind of way, but if people were to say, "oh, Claire makes the most amazing scones" I'd be happy with that! :-)

And I will start doing yoga on the weekends.
Weekdays i really just don't have time. I leave work and have to go straight home. I'm not willing right now to give up additional time with my D. But I can do more for myself at home.

About yoga and classes, I've done very few formal yoga classes, there are so many resources online that are great for low interaction people like me.

Share yoga with your D, a 15 minute wind down when you get home. She'd love mommy on the floor "playing" with her. And learning yoga at such a young age, what a gift to her.

[claire7]

Feeling so much better today, Thank you all. D was ay her dad's so I slept late (overslept. .oops). But it felt really great and I still made it to work on time!

Looked up baking classes last night and also baked some healthy whole wheat muffins!

Tonight I roasted cauliflower and boiled purple potatoes. Potato salad, mashed potatoes and maybe some kind of veggie-potato fritter in the pipeline.

And made my GAL plans for Friday night and even got some work done.

So grateful for all the support here!