Seperated and completely lost

[JohnJC]

@Rick: I'm working on GAL. I just don't have much to fill it with. I'm working out and socializing a little bit, but my life was my family. That was my thing, finding stuff to do with the wife and kids or simply spending time with them. That was 90% of my life up until 4 months ago and I'm having hard time filling that hole.

I'm not sure that I can let her go. I don't think that I want to. Doesn't that defeat the purpose? But I guess I do need to at least behave that way.

Thanks, Rick. I appreciate the advice.

[Rick1963]

DBing is counterintuitive. It tells you to do things that seem strange. When I say let her go, I mean from your heart and mind. Not to forget she ever existed. The more you think of her and what you had the more difficult it will be. The longer it will take for you to heal. What we all do in the beginning is to cut a wound and pour lemon on it. It is not helpful.

I get it that you want her back. It doesn't work that way. If she suspects that any changes you make are to win her back, she will be very angry and you will lose any chances you had.

What I have seen here as to what works is to look and be happy. Live your life as if you have moved on to better and bigger things. Not to shut the door on her. She needs to believe that she is losing you. Hope that makes sense

[JohnJC]

@Rick: It does make sense. I appreciate your candor and words, Rick.

I know what I do to myself every day is not in my best interest. I've always been that guy to let almost anything go and to not hold on to the terrible things that can happen in one's life. I simply have not been a person to dwell on the harsher parts of life.

Until now.

I just can't find a way to push this stuff from my mind. It's been months and all my coping mechanisms have just shut down and have not come back, even in a small way. I'm in therapy, but its not helping yet. I know I need to find a way to put some distance between my heart and my wife, but I haven't figured out how to. I feel a little like a whiner saying all of this, but it is what it is.

All she gets to see is my happy face. I go over there to see my son, and I smile and joke a lot with him. I don't think she really notices as she just sits on FaceBook the entire time I am there. But my trips over there are not for her. They're for my son and I.

Tonight, she and I actually spoke for a couple of minutes. It was nice, until she brought up she has no money. I wanted to say,"well, this separation was your idea. Deal with your own consequences of your actions."

What came out was, "I'm sorry to hear that."

I left a minute later with a hearty good night.

I think I'm doing this right. At least I hope I am.

Thanks again, Rick.

[Mozza]

Yes, it sounds like you're doing it right. Good on you to avoid the money trap. Helping her out would likely look as pursuing, ironically enough.

And we all feel this same conflict when applying the DB method. Our hearts a filled with the desire to talk about our love, feelings and desires. But it's the exact opposite of what might work. Nobody responds well to professions of love from people they dislike. And our WAS dislike us at the moment. So let's STFU, like you do so well at the moment. Our pain is evidence of how far we're willing to go to save our M.

[JohnJC]

Thank you, Mozza. I've kept up on your thread(s), and I know that you get it. Heck, all of us here do. STFU is the rule of the day; hard to do for a talker like me, but likely the best road to travel at the moment.

A weird update. I decided to go out on a sort of blind date. I'm not looking for a relationship or a 'booty call'; I am still very much in love with my wife and want no one else. But I do miss simple companionship and chit chat with a woman who is not a friend.

I had about a half hour drive to get there. The entire time, I felt completely guilty, like I was doing something very, very wrong. But I decided I was going to go no matter what; maybe I would make a new friend. Its been a very long time since I felt desired or in having someone have an interest in me, so that feeling would have been nice too. But I really wanted nothing more.

So, we meet up at this place for drinks and a nibble. She was not really my 'type', but shes pretty and seems nice. As we sit she says that she apologizes because she needs to leave her phone out as her 15 year old son has been up to no good. I tell her I get it as I went through a similar set of problems with my eldest daughter. By the time the drinks made it to our table, she had gotten a call from her neighbors (I really thought she may have been blowing me off) and began whipping numbers and business cards with the markings of the local Sheriffs office out of her purse (this is where I realized she wasn't blowing me off), frantically making calls over some trouble at her house concerning her son. Minutes later she apologized and left.

I've never felt so relieved in my life.

Not because there was something wrong with her (although, were I really up for dating, this would have scared me off) but because the extreme guilt I was feeling at being out with another woman was eating at me.

I like to think it was a sign from the universe that I should re-focus my energies into figuring out my marriage and doing what I can to make that work as opposed to looking for even a small bit of companionship.

Back to the DB book. I have more reading to do.

[Mozza]

This is an excellent example of why I'm not against dating a little in our situation, if only to explore our own feelings about it. I've learnt something from being trapped into a sort of blind date by a couple of friends, and it looks like you learnt even more from your blind date. Now use that renewed focus for good!

[HPoirot]

Sorry your blind date didn't work out. I know what you mean about wanting a little companionship. I hope this all gets better for you soon.

[JohnJC]

@Mozza: Well said. Focus renewed!

@HPoirot: Thank you, but I am more than happy that it didn't work out. It was a learning experience and it taught me a lot. About both myself as well as blind dates.

[GoatGal]

Hey John,


Just my .o2.

Dating is a two-way street.

Since you're clearly not ready to be involved with another woman because of the freshness of your sitch, and the fact that you are still in love with your wife, ask yourself:

Is it really fair to salve your emotional wounds at some other woman's expense?

It's one thing if you're making it clear that your intent is just to make new friends.
(But then, that's usually not called "dating". )

I just have to say that most of us who are going through emotional turmoil have very little to offer to another. And they are the ones who WE could end up hurting.

Just something to think about.

Not only that, but if your goal is to reconcile with your wife, being seen in the company of other women (like on a "date") is not wise.

It will cloud your feelings for your W as you bask in the ego-stroking experience of someone new who is attentive and warm.

And if your W gets wind of it, it could be the wind that goes into her sails and pushes her right out of your life. No guilt for leaving you now, you're already getting busy...

Know what I mean?

I'm all for making female friends and "taking names" that may be useful down the road if you can't R with your W. But I think most of the vets here would agree that "dating" is a bad idea right now.

What is a GREAT idea is to get involved in group activities with both men and women, so you're not on a "date" but you can enjoy the fun an companionship of like-minded people of both genders.

Just a word of caution.

That said, I totally understand how darn NICE it feels to be appreciated by the opposite sex after the treatment some of us have gotten.
While a little of that is a good thing to help us remember that we are not the rejects our S's have led us to believe we are, it's also playing with fire.

It then contrasts heavily with the treatment we're getting from our S's, and that is an unfair comparison.

This is how many affairs start. With a fantasy, some ego-stroking, attraction... but mostly, it's built on dust. But it feels good, so people do it.

I think the thing to do is focus on being better yourself as a super-cool INDIVIDUAL, and if and when the time comes, the ladies will follow.

That said, I have been compiling a list of eligible men should I end up divorced. But until then, it's groups only, and totally in the Friend Zone.

---(G)GGG

PS: But hey--that "date" was a real red flagger, huh? The SHERIFF???? Hoo-boy. Talk about signing on for a lot of drama there....

[GoatGal]

And Mozza, if you're catching this, I think in your situation, "a little dating" is a very poor notion indeed.

Please read up on what the vets have to say about this. I don't have a thread handy... but I wish I did.

Right now it simply complicates things in an effort to make ourselves feel better, and--let's be honest--hope that our S's will feel jealous and turn their attention towards us and our M.

I don't think that's usually how it works. If anything, if they are involved with an OP, they might have a twinge of jealousy, followed by relief that they are no longer the "bad guy/girl" and now they are REALLY free to be with their OP since you're obviously taking it so well and dating yourself.

---(G)GGG