And some more thinking I'm trying to process and move past: H asked me to give him some possible dates for the next mediation session. I did, and also asked him to give me some financial info when he has time.
He responded in a very polite, detached way (we have to ask the accountant, blah blah). It brought me to a very angry place. Dismantling our marriage will take a lot of effort, time and money. I am forced to do these tasks even though I don't want to. But the same time, effort and money could be used to rebuild our marriage instead. I'd be willing to work so hard at that.
I don't know how to do this mediation-- to trust him-- when he is not a man of his word.
As I let go and lose hope and interest in the M, I'm finding it harder and harder to stop myself from confronting him. But now that I read that, i realize that if I WAS detached, and did let go, moving forward with a separation plan wouldn't bother me.
So, now I'll pray that I'm able to let go and have clarity about what I want from this separation/divorce. I'm going to broach the idea of a neutral financial planner to help both of us figure out how to divide things equitably. He's probably going to resist. If so, I'm going to ask him his concern so as not to mindread, and then validate and tell it is what I need to feel secure and satisfied with our agreement.
I'm wondering what I'll say to him if he confronts me and gets defensive if it seems like I don't trust him. The truth is, I don't.
This whole situation takes so much more strength than I ever imagined. To put all the pain and feelings of betrayal aside and sit through mediation calmly with someone who has treated me this way? Not for wusses.
