Hi GGG(G), Something you posted really hit a nerve with me and my W's sitch. The part about he was supposed to "make" you happy.... Recently my W posted a quote on FB about how "wrong" it is for someone to expect you to live your life to "make" them happy. The thing is, I never expected nor asked her to do anything of the sort. On B-day W said "I'm miserable, you're miserable, we should just get a D". Thing is I wasn't miserable at all. Confused by the way she had been acting yes, upset that she couldn't even say I love you anymore, yes, but NOT miserable. She projected that feeling onto me. I really think she felt that she couldn't do what was needed to have a good R and was angry because she felt like I was unhappy as a result. All I wanted was a normal M and family. A W that actually wanted to spend time with me and the kids, be intimate once in a while. She would do things with her "friends" and feel like I was upset about it but I wasn't. All I wanted was her to do things with me as well. I think she knew she was destroying our M, felt badly about it so turned it all back onto me as MY fault. Expecting her to just have a normal give and take R turned into, in her mind, my asking for too much. Every little thing I said she turned into some kind of complaint against her. If I said "I wish you didn't have to work late Friday night" became me "complaining" about her when it wasn't. I wasn't saying "You are working late on purpose" or "If you loved me you wouldn't work late" but I really think that was what she heard in her mind. If someone else were to say to her "You're spending too much time at the office. You should spend more time with the family", she wouldn't get angry at them. She saw it as them being concerned. If I were to say it, it became an accusation, a dig on her. I truly think many MLCers do this.
We know what we meant when we said things that they took totally wrong but their minds are so messed up they heard something totally different. I think that is a big part of why we turn into such "bad guys" in their minds. They feel so inadequate, so unhappy in their own skins, they project those same feelings onto us. The worst part is there is no way out of that sitch. If we were to say "why don't you come to bed early so we can cuddle" because we love them and want to spend time being close, they hear "You never want to just cuddle with me, what's wrong with you". Overcoming the fact that what they heard wasn't reality but their own projections may just not be possible. It doesn't help that, if they can blame us, it takes away their own guilt either.
I really think that even if they start to see the LBS for who they really are, they have to start to realize that we really weren't the evil people they saw us as but also if that is the case, they had no "reason" to do the things they did! First they have to start to understand that we really aren't horrible, then they have to come to terms with what they did and the pain that they caused the LBS. I think that's why so many just aren't able to do it.
That may be where GUBU is now. The "fun and free" life he thought he was going to have didn't work out. He see's you as the fun, sexy, talented person you are. How you are even better than you were before he bombed you. Now he has to realize how wrong he was. He has to understand that he was projecting feelings onto you that you didn't "cause" and he has to realize and make up for all the pain that he caused. At the same time he has to come to terms with the fact that he can't have the life he imagined he would have without you to "hold him back". That's a lot for a rational thinking person to do, let alone someone in MLC!
You are not alone in the looking back and realizing all that you "put up" with over the years. The realization that you may have sacrificed much more than you thought at the time. To wonder if it's worth going back to the R unless it's BETTER than before. I really think that's what is meant when they say it's going to be up the the LBS whether or not there will ever be a R in the end. That is something only YOU can decide in the end.
I would love to hear you play some day, GGG. You sound like a woman of many talents that any man would be lucky to have in his life!
