Ss- as hard as it is to remember, sometimes it does just take time. I know I am very smart/analytical too, and I tend default to a tendency of trying to think my way out o the situation. Like ill 'solve' it by coming up with the right perspective that allows me to find Nirvana. The reality is we can't run from out feelings and there wi be a lot of pain from a loss so monumental.
That doesn't mean there's not value in everything we do. I'd like to think we'll learn more from our mistakes, process it more quickly, avoid responding to our emotions poorly, etc, etc. So I'm glad to see you doing all these things. But there is no way to fix it today where it doesn't hurt and you'd be inhuman if you could.
The biggest reason this is important to me is that it would be easy to blame all my unhappiness on the D, and tell myself that someday I'd be healed and either reunited or remarried and I will be in a better spot, yadda yadda. But I often question if this is just me self medicating with a fantasy. What if I can grow but am pretty much always going to have some of the same problems? What if I don't find an R that lasts? What if I never truly process all the emotions and make peace with a decision that is so hard to understand and accept?
I'd love to grow in all those ways and achieve those goals. But I'd also like to be able to enjoy being me. Right now and maybe ways that's a slightly abnormal guy with a screwed up situation feeling a lot of powerful, scary, confusing, inconsistent, and sometimes quite unpleasant emotions.
This isnt very clear so let me share an insight i had once: desperately seeking balance is about as far from being balanced as you can be. But truly accepting that you're just plain out of balance, that is actually very close to the balance we were seeking for before.
Ok, I'm hit or miss, I get it. But keep putting one foot in front of the other because you are on a great road. No clue where it leads so why is it so great? Beats me. Lets just have fun and go with it
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
