Raliced and zew, thanks for insight. I'm in a teary place tonight, and re-reading your perspective certainly contributed.
Dawn, and everyone who has been so supportive to me-- I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear such kind words of encouragement and empathy.
I've been on a rollercoaster the last couple of weeks.
Feeling down tonight, so, let me focus on some positives: --Made pancakes with my D this morning. "Mama, these are so good!" --Made chocolate chip cookies with D and her friend. 'These are the best cookies ever!' -- Cooked 3 different things in the last couple of days -- bought D new shoes -- played with D on the playground, had a blast. -- Had some cuddle time with D this morning. -- finally replied to several long overdue emails -- made myself a healthy and interesting dinner (improving my cooking skills has been one of my GAL goals)
Deep breaths.
Ok, that helped a lot. Because for some reason after I saw H tonight, my chest was tight and I felt so stressed. He was borderline hostile with me. Not sure why. Not sure why I care. I think my PMA is coming across as fake to him. I can see why-- it feels a bit fake to me. I can't quite be totally at ease in a genuine way, and I can't fake it very convincingly.
I don't know how to *be* around him. I can move on from the hurt and pain. But I don't know how I'll ever be able to look at him without feeling anger and hatred if we get D. And I don't see any way that we won't.
So, I'm praying that I have the strength to let go. To really, really let go of this dream I had. To let go of the family and friends I had through him. (Some of those relationships are still in my life, but they are not the same and just won't be). To let go of this hurt and pain.
Step 1: To show myself compassion by getting enough sleep. Sorry this isn't a more optimistic post. I know I sound so lame tonight. ugh.
