I do let the anger and resentment color my outlook and I can work on that while also recognizing that this is a process, one that follows no script.
I was journaling last night and allowed myself to just vent and spew, something I normally don't allow myself to do because it keeps me stuck but I tried it to see if it really was something I just needed.
It was.
I vented a ton and by the end, I'd wrapped around and found my PMA again. I need to listen to myself when I'm itching to vent and do it via journaling. If i do it with a friend they empathize and encourage which keeps me in my rut, when I work through it on paper I come out ok on the other end. Most of the time.
Like you, uR, and probably many others, I don't want to look back on this time and dislike the person I was. I feel like though, given my circumstances, it makes sense for me to be a little "off".
I'll admit, I have not found my footing in this long-term mountain climb and I keep trying different ones on to see what fits me. Nothing is quite right. Hence my general avoidance of H. When we do hang out, it's ok but I still have a basic instinct to internally roll my eyes so heavily that they might not right themselves again.
More distance is my only answer I think, so I can work through some of this anger and figure out how to let it propel me further forward.
I don't want him to have anymore if me. I feel like he's still taking but that must mean I'm still giving, right?
He stops by to see D under the guise of "charging the car" which I don't mind but then he makes a comment about something regarding the house and I find it critical and it triggers me and I react. I feel set up almost. So when he's here I spend a lot if time reminding myself to not ask him questions, to do my own thing, to not even be in the same room. He makes himself quite at home and even seems to take stuff without telling me (suddenly two chairs from the patio are missing and about 4 bottles of wine from a recent shipment).
I can hear him in my head say, "it's my house, too" and this is true but he can help clean the dog pee up from the playroom carpet then, right?
Then today, I asked him (prepared for a no or even a laugh) if he'd be willing to snake the shower drain (my long hair clogs any drain after a few months). He did it no problem, even cleaned up after himself. I was shocked.
He goes up and down, too, and that makes me go up and down.
Reactive.
I need to find my even-keel. Get back on my path.
What other things can I take back my power on? How do I state it?
